Tuesday, 31 May 2011

My Story Continued.......Abellund - Denmark.

Upon arrival in Denmark, at Abellund I knew something was wrong straight away.I arrived in the middle of the afternoon and was still outside on the driveway when Commander Jill van Staden said "we are going for a drive". I wasn't quite sure what was coming but I knew something was.
As soon as we were off and away down a country road she told me my Dad was no longer there.He was in a condition of Treason. Treason to me meant betraying your country, a spy or some such thing. I could not put my Dad and treason in the same sentence. I'd seen others in Treason on the Apollo, but this was different. It was my Dad in treason and he wasn't there. According to Jill they didn't know where he was. I just had to accept it, I could no longer have anything to do with my own Father, the rules as dictated by L. Ron Hubbard said that and as a good little sea org member I would abide by those rules, silently.

It's weird, she took me shopping in a boutique to look at clothes, as if that would make up for lack of a Dad. Tears streaming down my face, in a public place, trying desperately to keep a grip on things because that was what was expected of me. ( I was about 15 yrs old before I figured out why they did that. Get her off the org premises so the others don't see how she reacts, get her in a strange place with lots of people about, so she has to try and keep it together. Totally disorientate her and she will comply, because she has no other choice). And, I did.

Everything is ok now, you're with the happy smiling sea org officers, what could possibly be wrong.

The only good thing was I was off the ship, on dry land. Only here I didn't know anyone.I was so desperately alone.

Abellund was very different from the Apollo. It did appear on the surface to be far more laid back. I say on the surface, because I.m sure there were things going on behind the scenes to which I was not privy.

The main house or org was a large old farmhouse, there was a huge reception room to the left of the front door, which during the few months I was there, nearly always seemed to be open. On the right leading off a hallway was the kitchen, where the cook often baked bread and cookies and on occasion called me in to have some freshly baked bread.

On the left about 40 feet away from the kitchen end of the main building was an other building, which had about 4/5 beds in the room on the ground floor. This is where I slept. The room was cramped but the beds were only single and the room was reasonably clean and pleasant.

Also on the left as you came out of the birthing building, on the lawn was a trampoline. I spent all of my spare time bouncing up and down on this.

Behind the building I slept in was yet another house and this was where the farmer and his wife lived, there were also an assortment of out buildings. The entire place was surrounded by fields and large lawns, shrubs and trees.Further up ant to the right of the main building was another building which is where the CO/ Joe van Staden had his birthing.

I don't recall if there was a muster there in the mornings or not. There certainly weren't any overboardings.

When I wasn't occupied, my mind constantly wondered what had happened to my Dad.There was no one I could talk to about it, as it was a given that I was not allowed to see him again or talk to him for that matter. I felt very much in limbo. At a complete loss as to what was going to happen to me. There I was in a foreign country with all these strangers, Joe and Jill may have been on the Apollo, but I didn't know them. After a while I sort of saw Jill as a friend, she took me into the nearest town a couple of times to go shopping. We would chat about things at times, never about the dreaded treasonous Sp - my Father.

There was a girl who used to come and stay with the farmer and his wife, Sylvie, she was about 16 years old and really hippified, smelt of patchoullie oil and wore weird clothes, or so I thought at the time.She had this little pouch with drawstrings attached to her belt, she often used to join me on the trampoline and would ask me to hold her pouch but told me I was never to open it or look inside. Sometimes Sylvie was really buzzing and other times she looked dreadful. I never really knew what to make of her, but she was nice and she wasn't a scientologist or in the sea org. She didn't talk about case or auditing or OOD or lower conditions or even scientology at all, I liked that.

I hadn't seen her for a while and went looking for her and was horrified to find her in a little concrete out house, like somewhere you would keep your coal in old British council houses. Lying on the floor on some blankets and shivering un controllably. I was really upset and was about to go and get her some help, but she grabbed my arm and told me there was no help for her. I didn't know it then, but I now realise that was cold turkey, by then I knew the contents of her pouch and she freely told me she was a drug addict.She was in a bad way, I sat with her late into the night, until she made me leave before I got into trouble. I went to check on her the next day, but she had gone, I never saw her again

One morning I was greeted by Jill, who informed me my Dad, had been there at Abellund the night before. My heart leapt, only to be then told he had now gone. I asked "why didn't someone come and get me?" Jill said "you know the rules". She was right, I did know the rules only too well.I fought back the tears and the screams that were trying to engulf me. She asked me if I was alright. Allright? ALLRIGHT?????? Yes, I said matter of factly,I'm fine. As I turned to walk away, I saw the EO talking to another man, they were laughing an joking about what a night they had had, bull baiting my Dad, then they let him go early in the morning. I said "where did he spend the night?", and pointing to the cupboard under the stairs, he said "in there". There was a key sitting in the lock. I said "in there?"Looking at the cupboard in disbelief.

It's hard to explain how I felt, my whole body was churning up inside, like some gigantic volcano about to errupt, but I was silent all the while. My mind doing wheelies, going round and round and round.I kept thinking if he'd been there and he knew I was there, he would not go without me. I had it in my head he must be hiding out, biding his time and we would escape together. It's all that kept me going for the next hour or two. I had to make it appear that I was unconcerned, that it didn't matter. I got on with the mornings chores. I knew I was being watched. I was determined not to show any emotion, not easy when you're boiling and bubbling away.

When I finally got away by myself, I started combing the outskirts of the premises, I walked round the far edges of the land , in amongst the wooded areas. When far enough away I started calling out, quietly at first, scared I would be caught, if I just found my Dad , everything would be ok, he would look after me, protect me. I started calling louder, he wasn't answering, why wasn't he answering. He had to be here somewhere, where the hell was he. I was starting to get frantic, sobbing, shouting louder and louder, DAD !!!!!!!!!! DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DAAAADD, then screamingDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. I was met with silence. I was sobbing uncontrollably now and slumped down on the ground by a tree.

I could not believe he had left me there. When I finally stopped sobbing, my mind got to work again and I thought he must have gone to get help, he would come back with help, he'd bring the police with him. It would be ok, I just had to be patient.

I spent the next few days going off in different directions every available chance I got looking for him, still convinced he would not leave me there.

After a few days I gave up, back to not knowing what to think. I felt like my heart had been ripped out and my mind was numb.

I became friends with Maria Maloney, again she was older than me, about 17/18 years old at the time. We would often talk about the strange goings on in the sea org. Nothing in particular, just that there was some really creepy stuff going on, people disappearing like my Father. She told me to be very careful who I trusted, I already knew this and therefore trusted no one, not even her completely, One day we were sitting down outside somewhere, away from prying ears trying to make some sence out of the 'dissappearing people', this was conspiracy theory stuff and we laughed about if anybody heard us they would think we were mad/insane and we would be put in a nut house. I felt srangely uncomfortable, even while laughing because I felt it was true.

A whole load of students started arriving at Abellund, mainly Swedish and some Danish, possibly some Norwegians also. Most spoke pretty good English, they had come to do some courses. A few of the Swedish girls shared my birthing. They were really nice and fun to be around.

After a few weeks they told me they were headed off to the Apollo. They could not understand my reluctance to talk about the Apollo, I had been there and they knew I was a messenger. I told the "shore story", we were not permitted to discuss it. They were so excited about meeting LRH,going to the best place on earth, the flagship, Apollo. I felt dreadful everytime they brought it up. I couldn't tell them anything and yet I wanted to, I wanted to say "don't go". I didn't want them to go. To this day I feel bad, that they would have found out for themselves, that the great L. Ron Hubbard was not this amazing guru that offered spiritual enlightenment, but someone who turned people into shells of their former selves.One of the girls was called Katarina and another Eva, they were really pretty aged about 18/20 years old. I really missed them when they left, the dorm was empty once more except for myself. I was racked with guilt about what might be in store for them aboard the Apollo.

At some point in time it was decided that I would be in charge of birthing. I had to change the beds and arrange accomadation for new people arriving. I got overwhelmed with the work, and kept getting complaints about lack of clean bedding.

One time we had an Officer arriving, he was a VIP, I don't remember his name or rank, just that his birthing had to be good. There was no where to put him. The only room that had lots of space was the Commanding Officers room. Joe van Stadens'. I knew it probably wouldn't go down too well, but was at a loss as to where to put him, this VIP. So, I got a spare bed,and made it up in the Commanding Officers room. Joe went ballistic. I don't know where the VIP ended up, but I got took off of birthing.

I bounced my frustrations away on the trampoline.

Chris, the cooks son was really nice and I think he had a crush on Maria. Anyway, one night it was decided they were going out into Copenhagen. Maria had said she would arrange that I could go with them. I don't think Chris was very happy about that. I was very excited at the possibility of getting off the premises for a few hours. Apart from a couple of shopping trips with Jill, I hadn't left the org for months. A couple of hours before we were due to go, Maria came and told me I couldn't go. I was very upset. I went to my room and cried and cried. I was so sick of this place. I felt so abandoned, it was like the whole world was against me.

Maria came back and found me crimson with crying and said she would sort it out that I would go with them.

We drove into Copenhagen and went to the Tivoli center. We walked around the gardens. Ella Fitzgerald was singing live there that night, and although we couldn't go in, we could hear her from outside. There was this amazing woman walked past, dressed in a jade green cat suit, with long deep red hair, she was stunning.

After the Tivoli gardens we went to a night club.That was weird. There I was this little 12 year old girl sitting there sipping my coke, while Chris and Maria danced and all the while this big black bouncer just kept staring at me.I felt very uncomfortable.

I had a crush on this Swedish man, he came to do courses with alot of the other students. I never told anyone, except him. The next thing I knew, while standing in the doorway talking to Jill, Maria and another woman, (I think she was american, she was short, reddish hair and had the most bowed legs I have ever seen ) Jill asked me if I was having sex. Considering I didn't really know what sex was, I was dumbfounded. Iv'e been wondering about this and wonder if it came up in session?

It was decided that I had to do something,after a conversation with Jill, I wrote to LRH and asked permission for a leave of absence to go home to England to get an education, it would get me away from there - I would find my Dad. I wrote to LRH, hoping he would agree, an education would make me a better sea org member. He wrote back, wishing me luck and that i would come back when I had completed my education.My next task was to write to my stepmother whom I had only met twice, she was married to my Dad and I figured she must have some idea of where he was.I asked if I could go and live with her. She replied with a "yes".

It never occurred to me to ask my Mother(first stepmother) as I had written a few times while on the ship and never heard back from her. So when she turned up at Abellund one day, I was amazed and very happy to see her. I was more jubilant that day than I could ever remember. I was allowed to go and spend the weekend with her and my two brothers and my Mothers new partner, who was Swedish.

She had offered to let me go and live with them, they were moving to a Swedish org. I thought about it, and knew it would not get me away from the sea org. My only hope was to be back in my own country, I would still be living with a scientologist but I would be home, away from the sea org. By now, also, I was convinced there was a big plot to keep me away from my Father.Much as I loved my Mother and brothers, I had to find my Father.

My Mother even said "you know you won't find you're Dad don't you?" "Yes, I know" I said, hoping that this would not be true. In my childish mind, how could this be, that my Dad could just disappear off the face of the earth. How could it be that these people could stop you from seeing or speaking to your own parent. After all I had been through I could only think that there had to be something very wrong with these people. I never saw or heard of my Mother or brothers again

I was allowed to phone a friend, Jill stayed in the room when I phoned my best friend at home in England. Whilst on the phone I learnt that my friend had seen me on a documentary on TV, it was hard to believe, I'd been on telly. It was to be very many years before I saw myself on the Shrinking World of L. Ron Hubbard.

Shortly before I was due to leave Abellund much to my horror the MAA from the Apollo turned up in a taxi one afternoon. Yet again, racked with guilt about ripping up the ethics chit to have me thrown overboard. What was he doing here? It was even harder to hide from him here than it was on the Apollo, none the less i tried to keep out of his way.

There was a big celebration of some sort and we were having a big party in the main reception room. I spent the whole day helping the cook in preparations for the party. There was a piano moved into the room and lots of food prepared. It was a fun time, with lots of music and singing. The MAA from the ship was an excellent pianist, but he was also into heavy ethics.

Later in the evening he cornered me in the hallway, I was a nervous wreck. He told me he knew what I had done, and what big trouble I would be in if he told on me. He told me that it was crazy on the Apollo, things had got way out of controll. He told me that there would be no point in ever telling anyone about what I had seen or heard on the Apollo because no one would ever believe me, it was all just too crazy. He said "you know what happens to crazy people". I was literally shaking, and he was right in my face. He told me he was going home, back to Sweden.

The next day he was gone.

Yeah, it was much more laid back at Abellund, everytime you thought the nightmare had ended, you got a short sharp shock back into reality.

I was besides myself when I learnt I had to have a security check. It wasn't that I had anything terrible to hide, except for my contempt for LRH and MSH and the sea org and scientology.

No matter how I tried to console myself, those were big crimes. You were not allowed to think bad things about the sea org, scientology and certainly not LRH or MSH.

How could I think otherwise, these people , this organization had made my Dad disappear without any proper explanation. He was an SP, well what the hell does that mean when you are 12 years old.

Had he killed somebody? Had he spied and betrayed his country? Was he a smuggler? Just what had he done that made him an SP? I didn't even really know what an SP was, just that it was someone terrible, some awful degraded being. That was my Dad. L. Ron Hubbard said so. Well L.ron Hubbard did not say this to me personally. Jill van Staden did, but it came from L. Ron Hubbard just the same. Because this was his world we were living in.What LRH said every body followed to the letter. He was the Commadore, he was this incredible man that everybody looked up to. Everyone had to follow his orders and they did.

Oh my god, I have to go on the e-meter. How the hell am I ever going to get away. The e-meter will know if I'm lying. You cannot fool the e-meter. It will know.I can't bare the thought of being locked up again. I'm not on the ship, but these people will do it anyway because they locked my Dad up. They will lock anyone up if you don't believe the same things they do.

I was terrified of going on the e-meter.

I had two choices. I could admitt that I hated LRH, scientology and all it stood for or I could lie, hope for the best. Either way I was doomed.

When I sat down in front of the auditor I was a bag of nerves. He noticed this and told me there was nothing to be afraid of. Nothing to be afraid of. This same man had bullbaited my Dad. I wasn't sure what that meant at the time, but after he had said this he had admitted to locking my Dad in a cupboard. Nothing to be afraid of. Nothing to be afraid of. I was terrified.

I do not remember all of the questions asked of me. At the time I remember thinking what kind of weird questions were these. Many of them I did not understand. I was befuddled and scared. The man who was on the other end of the e-meter kept having to repeat the questions. He asked me about things when I was much younger. I remembered something about Little Baldwins, it was something to do with telling a lie, or upsetting someone. It was strange and I kept thinking why is he asking me this. The one question that has always stuck in my mind is "do you have any bad thoughts about L. Ron Hubbard?" OH GOD - I hated him and everything he stood for, how was I ever going to get away. My mind was in turmoil and I knew If I didn't get this right I was finnished, caput. I replied with "Why would I have anything bad to say about LRH?" I remember laughing because I was so nervous, as If it was a rediculous question to ask. I didn't know how I got away with it but I did. We then went on to Mary sue and scientology. No, I was going to become a better sea org member. The e-meter was not GOD after all. It could not read my thoughts. I had always believed you could not lie to an e-meter. I had lied about not having bad thoughts about LRH and the stupid e-meter had not detected that lie.

I couldn't believe it when I was free to go. I was elated. I was going to be allowed to go back to England. You have no idea how good that felt. My mind was still in turmoil, but I was going home. Sort of.

I had lent Maria some money and she had promised to pay it back before she left, she didn't. I had to stay a week longer in order to pay for my flight home. I had very little in the way of money and what I did have was in Kroner.

The flight home was surreal. I couldn't believe I was actually going to get away. In my minds eye I had visions of arriving home to my stepmothers and my Dad miraculously appearing. All would be well.

Someone drove me to the airport and I was handed to an airline stewardess who was going to look after me on the flight. She was very friendly and did look after me. My mind was full of all sorts of weirds stuff. What was my step mother really like? Would my Dad appear? Was this real? Was I dreaming? I felt like I was in another world. Reality check. I was in another world. A family came and sat in the seats next to me. The mother in particular was very uptone and wanted to know why I was travelling by myself? Oh God, what was I supposed to say?Give them a shore story . Tell an exceptable truth. "I've been visiting family" I said. My mother and brothers came into my head. I didn't say what family. "I'm going home" I said.In my mind I kept thinking about the MAA and what he had said. I could not tell them where I had really been and what had happened to me. I couldn't tell them about the Apollo or that my Dad was an Sp.What would they think of that? They would think I was a nutcase and I would be locked up. If I stayed in the sea org, I would be locked up. If I told anyone about what happened I would be locked up. There was nowhere to go, except inside my head.

When we arrived in England, this happy, caring family were very concerned that there was no one there to meet me at the airport. The mother was quite insistant that she should have a phone number to call my parents. What were they thinking leaving me to fend for myself at that time of night on my own. I kept assuring them that it was alright. It was with great difficulty that I managed to persuade them to leave me alone.

Finally we said our goodbyes and I got into the taxi and headed off to the coachhouse in East. Grinstead. Not far from St. Hill Manor.

I had only been there once before at Christmas, when my Mother had taken us to see our Father. I think it was on Boxing Day. Everything on the surface was happy, happy. My younger brothers didn't know any different and I was delighted to see my Dad, but the happy, happy scene was far from the projected image that was portrayed.

My Mother had bought me the most fantastic dress ever for Christmas.Very sixties style. A sort of shift(straight dress)no sleeves. Pink and silver horizontal, spirally stripes and all sparkly and silvery sparkly tights to go with it. That was the best Christmas present ever. I wore it when we visited my Dad.

My mind kept drifting to thoughts of of my Mother, the Apollo, and what was in store for me at my new Mothers house. I was still convinced my Dad would suddenly appear and everything would be alright. I had to keep that thought in my mind. It would be alright ,wouldn't it?

I was pulled out of my daydreamings when the taxi driver said "this is a very long way, you do have enough money to pay for the fare, don't you". I was a bit panicked, what If I didn't but assured myself and the taxi driver that If I didn't there would not be a problem as someone would pay at the other end.

We arrived at the coach house somewhere around midnight. There were lights on in the house, but noone was home. I didn't have enough fare for the taxi and kept telling him someone would be there any minute. They were expecting me.Any minute came and went, he sat there with me in the middle of nowhere for about half an hour. He was not very happy as he had a long way to drive back and hadn't got the correct fare. I remembered my Kroners and offered all of them to him. I didn't know what else to do. Begrudgingly he finally accepted them. I think he was also a little concerned about leaving me there in the middle of nowhere on my own in the dark. He apolagized for having to go.

There was a bit of light from a room on the ground floor of the coach house, but other than that it was pitch black. I wandered up and down for a while. I knocked on the door again and again. Nothing. No one.

I sat down on my one brown suitcase, with my brown carrycase that held my e-meter. The object that I had been persuaded I would need later on and had accepted because I needed them to think I was coming back.

I wasn't sure whether to make this a seperate thread or add it to my story, seeing as it is part of my story, I chose to put it here.

I'm jumping ahead now to 2006 and will return back to the 60s with my Dad's story, or at least as much as I can piece together.

September 2006

Having not had any contact or anything whatsoever to do with Scientology for 38 years years apart from a brief, 1 month visit from my Dad in late Sept 1976 - late Oct 1976, I was out one day shopping with my family and for the first time in all those years found myself facing scientologists out in front of what I now know to be the Brighton org using e - meters on the side walk. I was caught off guard and internally I felt like I was about to explode. I didn't explode, I imploded. My family could tell something was very wrong with me and it was decided to get me up to the station and home immediately. I had wanted to scream and shout at the scientologists for ruining my childhood, but just like all those years ago as a young girl, I stayed silent. Internally I felt like I was going to combust.

That was the start of things going way beyond my control, pandoras box had been opened and there was no putting the lid back on.

I started to have flash backs to my childhood, things that I had put a lid on, don't go there, this hurts too much and over the years anytime a thought about this period in my life raised it's ugly head, I put a lid on it. I became something of a workaholic, that way there was no time for these memories to intrude in my life.

Suddenly, I found my every waking thought being taken over by my childhood in which I had been a scientology child and later joining the sea org. I couldn't stop it from being in my head. Not only was it affecting my waking moments but also in my dreams, whilst sleeping, I was back on the Apollo. I kept thinking of my Dad. On a couple of occasions I had thought about trying to find him before any of this happened and had discussed it with my husband, who had always thought it would be a bad idea. I started to tell my husband about my childhood, I had tried to tell him before when we first got together, but he had insisted the past should stay there in the past. If it hadn't been for this chance encounter in Brighton, that is where it would have stayed.

I had always thought the internet was a complete time waster and being a very active sort of person, never took any interest. But my husband could see I needed some answers and suggested I look on the internet.

I googled Scientology and my head spun. I had absolutely no idea there was so much information out there. Once on the internet, there was no getting off. I spent days pouring over anything and everything I could find. I found XSO and joined, found an old friend on there and started posting. I played down many of my problems, it felt safer. I wanted to know what had happened to my Dad. I wanted to know but was terrified at the same time. You didn't mess with scientologists, especially in the sea org. I asked questions about Power Processing. I wrote a post about doing the Trs as a child and how I had not liked it. In fact it scared me. I spoke about how I got my 'wins' in life. Gardening and birds and the like. Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months and all the while the flashbacks and dreams got worse. I got more and more anxious and frightened, I started loosing weight, I couldn't eat.

I had gone under a psuedonym on the message board and one day my full real name appeared on the board. I had not put it there.I told the person whos message board it was that "all was not as it seemed"He asked me to explain, however I was so freaked out at the time and my husband insisted I did not go on there again and removed my account, e-mail address and I promised to never go on there again. However, although I never went back to XSO, I did read ESMB and OCMB and spent hours pouring over Lermanet.com and various other Scientology related boards including those of the dreaded Scientology "church" itself. I needed answers.

I thought I had caught a cold at first, then progressively I got worse and worse. I had developed an allergy. I was under so much stress. I had been in touch with my Dad after all these years and answers were not forth coming. In early December I recieved a Christmas card that was really weird. It said 'wishing you a very merry chrisTman.' I was confused and at first thought it was a spelling mistake. But I knew it was not. I had a week off at christmas and thought with the time off I would start to feel better. I did a tiny little bit.

I can't remember if it was before Christmas or after but it was during the time talking about birds on XSO, one night late, someone was outside my bedroom window making bird noises. When they had obviously had their fun, whoever it was started laughing. Then a car shot off into the night. My husband was asleep, he never heard it. I was having a really hard time getting to sleep at the time, and quite often I didn't want to go to sleep as the dreams were really bad. I would wake up really frightened. On the night with the bird calls, I couldn't sleep at all. I was so frightened. When I told my husband he said if it happened again to wake him. I didn't see the point, I could see he didn't believe me.

After Christmas, i went back to work and that is when I discovered I had a really bad allergy to cats. This surprised me, as I had had a cat for many years.During that period I had developed ME, in fact during the ME, I developed just about every allergy under the sun. Things got so bad, it was thought I had ME again. But this was different.

On the internet, I was plagued by weird stuff. Even I thought I must be imagining it at first, but there were too many coincidences. Far too many. It had never occurred to me that someone might go through my rubbish. What the hell would they do that for? I can't remember exactly where it was, but there were personal notes written by me to my daughter on her christmas gifts. The trouble was none of it was direct. It was interspersed between other stuff written in posts. I kept imagining I was seeing things. My illness got worse and worse, and the dreams kept coming.

One day it was so bad, the stuff on the internet, it scared me so much because it was conversations I had had within the confines of my own home, I hadn't left the house. How could this be. I knew in my heart if I told my husband he would surely think I was a total nut.When I finally did tell him, he did think I was a nut. This sounds crazy, I know, but I made him go in the bathroom and turned both bath taps on full and then whispered my fears to him. His reaction was I was having a mental breakdown. There were times when I believed he might be right.

For a good couple of months I never left the house unless it was to go the doctors,I can only decribe this phase as being like a zombie, I was in a permanent state of shock. I continued to read everything and anything I could on the internet.

Then things got weirder. I finally knew if I continued on not eating and withering away, I would probaly become anorexic, I had lost so much weight, all my muscle tone had gone, I had to start trying to get better. I made myself leave the house and go for walks. The house names of places in my area started appearing on the internet.This was interspersed in amongst posts. There was no solid wall of text directed directly at me. But I knew it was for me. The posters names kept changing. I walked across the fields to somewhere I felt safe. I went there regularly. One day I arrived at my destination and there was a coffin layed out in sawdust.You have no idea how scary this was.

I could tell no one because when I tried I got pitiful looks, as if to say, she's really lost the plot now. Each day I would make myself walk further, I would not be beaten. It was so strange. Each time I left the house it's like I knew where I was going because it had already been mapped out for me via the internet. There were always names of things, house names. Even as I relay it now, I still find it hard to fathom.

Clothes were decribed, one day in late spring my daughter was marching around in these high heels in a bikini. The whole thing was decribed in a post. It's hard to remember everything as it was every single day. As Iv'e said before coincidences of that magnitude just don't happen all by themselves.This was when I thought it had to be a neighbor. Because I knew I wasn't imagining it, I tried a few tests. I wrote on my computer in word when not on the internet and sure enough answers popped up to things I had written. I filled an entire screen of several pages with the word CULT. I got a real back lash of "leave us alone and we'll leave you alone". I thought "NO", I will not leave this alone. I wrote notes on paper in the house and left them on a chair, to see if my suspicians were correct. To my horror they were. Not only could this would be attacker hear me, they could see me too. I started to be suspicious of all my neighbors, who would do this? I knew there was only one set of people that I had ever had any weird stuff happen in my life before and it was when I was with the organization Scientology.

I started trying to get well again when I realised what was happening.It occurred to me that someone was trying to drive me out of my mind and they were doing a damned good job of it.That's when I knew I had to stop it affecting me. It was a long slow, hard process. It still leaves its mark today.

The first visible signs of strange stuff going on outside of my life at home, was when I was well enough to start work again. I was still far from being alright but things were better. I was working in a nursing home doing night shifts and aside from the daily goings on in my personal life being on the internet, I got a phone call supposedly from the Police. They wanted me to go and check if I had a resident missing, because they had found one, they knew the exact name and described the person in detail. I had only just done a recent check on the residents and the person in question had been there, but I went again and had a look. Sure enough the person was fast asleep in bed. I assured the woman all my reidents were accounted for. Later they phoned again. They were quite insistant that they had my resident. I can't remember the full conversation, but they wanted details and I said "I am not at liberty to give out personal details,how do I know you are the police?", the woman laughed and said "Of course I am". Click, the line went dead.

I spoke to my boss about it and logged it in the log book.She said in all the years there, some 20 to my recollection, they had never had anything like that happen.I had already explained to people at work about Scientology and told them about some of the dirty tricks they have been known to get up to.They were in full support of me and made sure I got Saturdays off to go protesting once a month. This happened after I started going to protests.

At one of the protests in London I spoke on the mega phone, the anons surrounded me and being short I was not obviously visible, the scientologists sorted that one out by having a person in an upstairs window video me from above. At various protest in London, Brighton and Hastings I was videoed. In London a girl followed me when I broke away from the rest of the anons and handed out fliers further up Totenham Court Road. I was on my own, as we had been penned in to such an extent that it was difficult to hand out fliers and talk to the public. There was a policeman standing a few feet away from me, on the road. This girl was the same one I had seen sitting with an OSA man earlier on when I had been giving someone an interview.She pretended to be talking on the phone, but was holding the phone at a very odd angle, it was then I realised she was taking pictures, or videoing me.Anytime anyone came past me she moved around trying to stop me from handing out fliers. That same day, just before she appeared a man had approached me and asked me what I was protesting about, told me I was talking rubbish and whacked me on the shoulder, not hard, but pointing me out. Thats when the girl appeared.

After the May protest in London of 2008, dated the 6/6/2008 my Dad recieved a letter from the Church of Scientology London, 146 Queen Victoria Street. The letter read:

Dear Mr. Stainforth,

I am writing to you so that our mailing list can be updated. I would like to know if you were the same person who lived 47 Banks Avenue in the 60's and who recieved some services from our organization in London at that time.

Could you please verify this one way or the other.If you are the same person it would also be appreciated if you could send us your current telephone number and email address.

Yours Sincerely

Danny Grafton

Strange goings on. I start attending protests, and after 39 years of my Dad having nothing to do with Scientology, having moved home several times between 1969 and 2008 and yet all of a sudden they want to have my Dad's phone number, and confimation one way or the other.Alright it might not be that difficult information to obtain, but why would they,yet another something after I start protesting. The letter is a bit of a mess, as my Dad was so disgusted when he opened it, he ripped it up and threw it away. When he told me about it, I told him "go and retrieve it from the bin and send me the pieces including the envelope."Which he did.

I carried on protesting monthly, one month I attended three protests, but with my job it was starting to take its toll. The protests gave me a sence of purpose and it was interesting to note that there were all kinds of people from all walks of life that didn't protest but were so glad someone was, they all had heart breaking stories to tell.. At a Brighton protest, I met and talked to an exscientologist, it was interesting that this person had been through similar things to myself. I was constantly aware of people arround me. Who was the foe? There were a couple of people I was suspicious of, one man in particular kept appearing. What was worse, I was sure I had seen him in London also.

In London, after a protest, I had arrived at the station and had missed my train. I sat on a bench, this business type man sat next to me, nothing odd about that you may think. After about half an hour, this woman started walking towards the man sitting next to me, smiling. He vacated the seat and she sat down. No words were exchanged. It was bizarre. I got up and moved on. Willing my train to arrive.

Quite a few of the anons I knew started telling me they had cease and desist letters from the church of scientology, I didn't know what these were at the time.Someone somewhere was following these anons home and getting their details, consequently much like the letter my Dad got, no actual accusations but telling them in no uncertain terms that we know who you are, we know where you live and we know all about you. Intimidation.

At the first protest in Hastings my friend and I were a little dubious of protesting as we were the only ones to turn up. We sat and sussed the situation out from a bar opposite the Dianetics Center. In the archway were a group of men who looked like they were waiting for something. When we finally decided to do a picket. My friend donned his mask, I got my sign out and we were surrounde by the men, wanting to know what we were doing there. Were we terrorists. The day before the scientologists had gone round all the local businesses and told them terrorists were coming the following day. The Scientologists had handed out leaflets about anonymous and also videos.We explained why we were protesting and gave them our on line info. They went off for about an hour and came back and told us they were glad we were there. That day proved to be a really good protest.

After another protest in Hastings, my good friend, an anon got one of these cease and desist letters. Full name, address etc.He has since been called by his first name at a protest in Brighton, by one of the scientologists.I have never called him by his first name, even though he did tell me once.At the last protest we attended he didn't wear his mask, as they know who he is.At the protest in Hastings we were videoed from the upstairs window.When I went to see my friend off at the station, there was a suspicious looking character waiting just outside. He seemed very interested in us. When I left the station, he was watching my every move.This guy was mid to late 20s, smartly dressed and wearing dark sun glasses. That day it had rained non stop.

My daughter got some scientology leaflets through her door. I asked her to try and find out if they were delivered to every door or just hers. She didn't want to do that, at the time she was living very near Narconon, in St. Leonards on sea.A few weeks later she got another leaflet through her door. This was different to the previous one. This was a free personality test. It gave an address in Bexhill. When I had the time, I went to Bexhill to find this place called "The Lookout". I went to an estate agents in the end to see if they had heard of it. The man in there directed me to the old part of Bexhill. I spent hours traipsing round trying to find this address.I asked loads of people, including the local pub and shop. These people I spoke to had lived there for years, some all their life and none knew of the address I gave.The lady in the shop was even kind enough to let me use one of her maps. There was no such address. I was determined to go back and have another look, but unfortunately I have not had the time since.

When you consider, my family had absolutely no idea about what scientology is or was until late 2006. It is a strange coincidence that suddenly they start recieving fliers through their door.Again, after I start protesting.

At one point during this time period, it became apparent to me that someone, somewhere seemed to know the contents of my text messages on my phone. I kept thinking I must be imagining it, but I knew I was not.

I was at a party at a friends house one night, and someone asked me if I had bluetooth switched on, my daughter had put it on and me being technology illiterate didn't know how to get rid of it. He suggested I got rid of it straight away as he had just picked up my text messages on his laptop. This was a big shock to me, yet in someway a comfort. I was right, I was not imagining it. For some time I stopped texting until I could replace my phone.That still didn't make an auful lot of difference though as I was sure someone could hear my home line calls, I was sure someone could hear me even when not on the phone. I was sure someone could hear me at work. You start to think someone can actually read your mind.There are times when you think you are going insane.

Slowly over time, you get used to it. It becomes a normal way of life because you feel there is nothing you can do about it. There is never any real, actual proof. You find yourself, thinking "Who can you trust?" You go back to that place that was the start of all this, when a little girl and in fear of one's life and you realise, the people you can't trust are scientologists.You become afraid for friends, family anyone who has any contact with you. So the obvious answer is to cut yourself off, this makes for a lonely life, but if it keeps the ones you love safe, then its' for the best.

My daughter and I frequent a certain coffee shop, one time sitting in the place, I noticed a woman sitting by herself quietly in the corner, listening in to our conversation. She looked like one of the women that had videoed me from the window of the Hastings Dianetic center.

Whilst walking in the place where I live, I was asked for an address by a delivery man. I hadn't heard of it and directed them to the local post office.I was headed there also and when I arrived this same man said I looked familiar.He asked if I had lived in this area most of my life. I had said "yes" and he asked my name.I gave him my married name and he got right in my face and said, "that's not your maiden name though, is it?". I thought this was an odd responce from a total stranger.

Last summer, shortly after my birthday, I went out for the day with a friend. She had bought me a present. A green jade necklace.I put it on before we went out. We went to Rye for the day. We had a really great time, shopping and went into a shop where we tried a load of clothes on. There was only one changing room, so to save time we went in together. We tried a lot of clothes on. Later that day when I got home, I went on the internet and after following a few links, there I was, not me but someone else wearing the exact same clothing I had on that day. You may think how can that be? Well for starters this is not the first time this has happened. Someone, when I recounted this to them said " well it could have been anyone , I've only ever seen you in jeans". He was right I wear jeans a lot. But on that day, I wasn't. It was a new, totally different outfit. Also, I had not owned a jade green necklace until that day.There was also a post, recounting an experience of two women in a changing room together.

That day I saw red. I was sick of this. We know who you are, we know where you live, we know what you do, we know what you say, we know every god damned thing about you.So I wrote the post on ESMB 'What I was wearing today'.

There are times when I have been driven half crazy with this stuff. For a long, long time it really got to me, it made me really ill, constantly in fight or flight mode. The human mind can only take so much. I have come back from the brink. I don't look anymore to see if anyones watching me, if they have nothing better to do, then that is their problem. I didn't ask for this. If the "church of scientology" didn't do the kind of things that they do then none of us would be here.

I'm going to try and put images of the letter and card and leaflets up. Iv'e never managed successfully to do this, so be patient as it might not be successful.

I wrote some other stuff and I have lost it. Just thoughts and feelings but they are real, they are what this is all about. Never mind. I will continue any way. If people want to think I am crazy, let them, I know different and thats all that matters.

So ,I'm home from the sea org and after the reunion with my step mother, late at night, the following morning it's off to St. Hill for my step mother and I am left at home on my own. I listened to Radio 1, I lounged around doing nothing, it was an amazing experience. I could not remember the last time I had had that freedom. I was 12 years old, thats all and yet I suddenly found I had freedom. It may seem like nothing, but to me at that time is was euphoria.For a very short period I did not have to look up to anyone, especially someone I loathed.

I very soon became bored with sitting doing nothing, with only the radio for company and took to making flapjack, I found a cook book and made flapjack, I became addicted to flapjack. I made it every day, and ate all of it. It made me feel good. I could cook something and eat it and I didn't have to think about L. Ron Hubbard or his bloody cruise of hell or anything remotely scientology. It was wonderful.

I phoned my longtime friend, whom had never had anything to do with scientology in the hope that we could meet up, I needed something totally unrelated to scientology.

I so badly needed another life.

On my first day back from the sea org, when my step mother returned from St. Hill, she cooked us bangers and mash. While we ate our meal we talked about a lot of stuff, just general chit chat, very little was mentioned about the sea org, it was as if it was a strictly taboo subject, which of course it was.

She realised I didn't own a dressing gown and as it was starting to get cold in England she said she would make me one. She bought some of that blue fluffy material and made us both kaftan style dressing gowns. I liked kaftans and had left mine behind on the ship.

When she wasn't at St. Hill, she used to work in a pub some evenings and when she came home her feet would hurt, from rushing about in high heels. Sometimes we would sit and chat. I asked her how she had gotten into scientology. Funny thing really, because she used to take drugs, LSD, I believe and with a beaming smile told me when she found scientology she didn't take drugs anymore. It was all thanks to L. Ron Hubbard and scientology.She seemed so happy about it. This seemed so very strange to me, I could not quantify what she had just said and what I knew about L. Ron Hubbard. I kept thinking about my friend Sylvie at Abellund and could not picture my step mother in the same way.

She decided I had to start paying my way, so found me a babysitting job in a huge mansion house just across the way from us. These were rich scientologists and had an enormous flat in the mansion. They had two little boys, who were little terrors and quite a handful.I wasn't very happy, but it was a respite from scientology, sort of.When the parents came home, they would rave about the lectures they had attended and I would let my mind go blank.Wasn't L. Ron Hubbard wonderful, I would feel sick in the pit of my stomach.

It was hard putting on this everything is just dandy face, when in reality it was not.On reflection looking back, and what I do find funny today, is I was an SP in Hubbards own terms, right there amongst all the happy smiling scientologists and none of them realised it.


My Story Continued.........

If I learnt any thing by being part of "the elite core of Scientologys' Sea Org", it has to be What not to do in life.

If I had lived my life on the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard, by now I would be a spy inside the government of a country, or a smuggler of money or even, a nasty, vicious bully. If children are to learn by example, then it is fortunate that I did not want to stay in the "ecclesiastical" part of Scientology, or any other part for that matter.

Growing up in Scientology is basically growing up with complete ignorance of the world we live in.

The Life boat drill.

We had to do a life boat drill in case of emergency, the life boats had to be lowered down into the sea. Its a good job it was only a drill as one lifeboat wouldn't move.Some crew members were getting hot and bothered trying to lower the boat over the side.There was some kind of winch system that lowered the boat, it did not work Never dawned on me at the time,but on reflection,scary stuff,in an emergency at sea and the lifeboat can't be lowered.

One boat was finally lowered and we had to climb down a rope ladder into the boat. Many crew including children had gone down,with my fear of heights and it being about 30/40ft down, I panicked.In fact I got quite hysterical,so Molly( not her real name)was very patient and kind trying to coax me down the swinging rope ladder.All the while Molly was looking around worried and explaining' I had to calm down or could get into trouble'. Finally I sobbed my way down the ladder,to a big applause from the rest of the crew.Thankfully I never had to repeat the exercise.

The parade and uniform saga.Renaming the flotilla.

In Corfu we were having the official renaming of the ships.The messengers were measured up for uniforms.We were to have a big parade on the dock,with Greek dignitaries coming.We all had to look smart.Our uniforms came,but my skirt was missing.Molly kindly lent me one of hers.It was very long and she said i could sew the hem up,but i was not to cut the bottom off.I had never sewn before and after a couple of attempts and having this thick tuft of material at the bottom of the skirt,I unpicked my sewing and cut the bottom of the skirt off. Unfortunately I cut off too much.Stupid really but I didn't think Molly would notice,she kinda told me off, but was smiling.I did feel really bad though.On the day of the parade,I spent the whole time trying to pull my skirt down,it was a micro mini.So much for looking smart.

In the lead up to the big day of the renaming ceremony, we had to practise drilling on the dock.Hubbard wanted it perfect, so on a few occasions we had to all line up in sections of rank. On other occasions in my job as messenger I was toing and frowing between Hubbard and crew to check all preparations were being made.I don't recall exactly but some crew were making some sort of wooden contraption that had to be finished on time, this involved a lot of running backwards and forwards between the crew and LRH.

Again, I can't remember whether it was a rehearsal or the real thing, to me it wasn't of much consequence. Mary Sue Hubbard had to christen the Apollo with a bottle of champagne, but every time MSH threw the champagne it failed to hit the ship.In the end another male Officer stepped in to help, with a bemused look on his face. The one thing I do remember is MSH seemed embarrassed and it occurred to me she was human after all, something I had failed to see before.

The upper decks were gleaming, a big buffet had been prepared. Pomp and ceremony were lavishly employed for the renaming of the 'Royal Scotman' to Apollo,we stood on parade awaiting the arrival of the Greek dignitaries. The Greek national anthem was played, salutes given by the loyal officers as the dignitaries were taken aboard "the sanest place on earth" the renamed good ship 'Apollo'.Whilst seated on the deck,a speech given by LRH, lavishly praising the Greek government and the inhabitants of Corfu, this was one of the biggest shows on earth to gain approval for Scientology to set up home in Corfu.

And meanwhile, the crew lived in squalor and the overboardings continued.

Apart from Tunisia, Corfu and Denmark, I remember very little of any where else we were,one day blended pretty much into another, except for major incidents that left me wondering what the hell was going on.

One time Janis and I were walking across the deck, quite a lot of people were about on deck, a few officers were together arguing , as we got nearer, I could see a little girl, about 4/5 years of age, just her shoulders and head sticking out of a hole in the deck. A metal grill was to one side and this little girl was filthy, her face red with crying so much and covered in snot. At first I thought she must have fallen in, but what was weird was no body was getting her out. The surrounding officers were arguing about what to do. We even asked what the matter was and were told to move along, which we did, I can't speak for Janis, but when high ranking officers told you to move, you did.

Another time, three men were in a lower condition, they were locked in what appeared to be old cattle stalls or some such thing. There were mettle grills up to the ceiling, so you could see inside. I'd never been in this area before, .It was a bit like a prison, I was told they were in there because they had been found in the possession of drugs. I was extremely confused, especially as I knew one of the men quite well and really liked him. He could see I was very confused and afraid, and told me it was alright, he knew I was not allowed to speak with him and not to worry it was ok.He told me everything would be alright.I never saw him again.I'm certain this man was Bill Dietch, unless of course he had an identical twin. The problem was, everything was not alright.

Sometime after the the renaming of the Apollo, we had a russian submarine dock right next to us.Janis, Claire and myself went on board to have a look round.Molly had told us to be on our best behaviour as we were representing the "Apollo".We were quite excited at the prospect and donned our full Sea Org uniforms.I don't know what I expected but it was pretty boring, we were only allowed to see a small part of the interior, our guide, a russian officer was so deadpan the whole time, there was little,if any conversation as he did not know any English.We girls kept giggling as it was a wasted exercise in PR.

Quite often my duties consisted of sitting outside LRHs office waiting for a message to relay or to go and get someone. When LRH was busy recording or writing, long periods were spent just sitting there in the semi gloom.It was a hell of a job to stay awake. On a rare occasion someone would come along, but most often my orders were no one was to disturb him. I couldn't actually hear what he was saying when he was recording, it was just a mumble with the occasional loud word. Marysue often came out of her office which was situated to the left of LRHs, more often than not she would just listen and then go back into her office without saying a word.Sometimes she would ask me what he was doing and sometimes she went in to talk with him.She always seemed so cold towards me and I often wondered what I had done to upset her,

Both LRH and MSH offices were off a small room, like a large hallway or reception area, this is where I would sit opposite LRHs office door.On more than one occasion Otto Roos came and insisted on seeing LRH.The first time this happened I remember really clearly. My orders were LRH was NOT to be disturbed under any circumstances. This very tall Officer appears towering over me and tells me it is very urgent that he speaks to LRH. I told him he couldn't, those were my orders.He asked me when he thought he would be able to and I said "I didn't know"."Okay" he said and went off. Two minutes later he reappeared and said it really was very important, again I told him "No". There I was this little girl of 11 years old, about 4ft 8" tall and I'm telling this really tall looming precense in full naval regalia "No".I was obviously not very convincing as Otto said he would take full responcibility, so I would not get into trouble, but he had to see LRH straight away, and proceeded to walk right past me and knock on LRHs door.I instantly thought we're both in for it now.Otto gave me a sort of half smile as he went in and I cringed waiting for LRH to start shouting, which he did.I couldn't hear everything that was said, but a very heated arguement ensued.

I didn't get into too much trouble but it was reiterated that when LRH said he did not want to be disturbed, he meant it.

Sometimes I would find myself sitting on the opposite side of the top deck, outside of the cabin areas.As far as I was aware auditing was taking place.I often used to think what was that all about?It struck me as a very strange thing to do.Ever since I'd first seen an e-meter at St. Hill, I had thought it really weird.Whether through things I had overheard adults talking about the e-meter or watching people on the e-meter or questions asked on the e-meter I was convinced that this machine knew everything you were thinking.It wasn't that I had anything to hide, it was just that I didn't want any machine knowing what was going on in my head, the very thought was so creepy.This brown wooden box (thats what they were back then)that had a dial with a needle in it that moved and a person was attached to a couple of cans was to me the weirdest thing I could imagine.So I would sit there for hours in the dark, just small lamps lit up on the decks wondering what on earth was going on in the cabin and I could never come up with an answer.

One night after I had been sitting there for hours on end, nodding off and jumping up alert, pacing the deck trying to keep awake, afraid I would be in trouble if I got caught sleeping on the job, finally LRH came out, in one of his better moods, he apologised, he had forgotten I was still there and sent me to bed.I was out like a light when I got to my bunk.

I never got caught nodding off, but I have no doubt in my mind that if I had I would have been in big trouble.

There were a couple of big events on board the Apollo, not sure exactly what we were celebrating, the decks were crowded with people. At one of these events LRH was up on a podium giving a speech, as usual he kept everyone waiting for what seemed like an eternity. There was raptuous applause when he finally made an appearance. I don't remember the exact speech but it was about Scientologys expansion and how we were winning. Global obliteration of psychiatry was also on the agenda and it was the word 'obliteration' that worried me the most. Another time, or it is possible it was the same time, there was a party going on, everyone seemed to be happy and having a good time, then something really weird happened, there was this woman on the deck, about 15/20ft away from where I was standing.She wasn't happy or smiling, in fact she looked befuddled, confused. She was filthy, barefoot and wearing a thin summer dress, her hair hung in streaks around her head, someone near by me whispered "this is disgusting". The revelry that had been going on died down, I just stood there staring, I did not know what to think. Before I knew it she was gone and everyone was told to get on with the party, which they did, but I'm pretty sure some people were shocked by what they had wittnessed.

Christmas came and went as a non entity, I can't remember whether New Year was celebrated or if that was the year before. Celebrations seemed to be non existant unless it was specifically for a Scientology event.
The day my Dad came and said he was going away on a mission, I was devastated. As it was I saw very little of him, but at least knowing he was about made a small difference to me.I stood there on the deck, tears streaming down my face as he promised he would be gone no longer than three weeks at most.I thought be a big girl, three weeks isn't very long.He couldn't even tell me where he was going, everything was top secret. Such was the world of L. Ron Hubbard.

A couple of weeks before he went away, we had gone out for the day, roaming the streets of Corfu. Dad took me to see Finians Rainbow, a truly magical film and for a short time at least put aside all my worries about the life we were living aboard the Apollo, On the way back to the dock, we munched on chips and chatted, I told him of some of my fears,mainly about the overboardings,it scared me, he made me promise to never talk about these fears to anyone else.I promised and told him I already knew to keep these things to myself. I didn't know it then, but apart from a few brief minutes on the decks of the Apollo when my Dad said he was going away, I would not see my Dad again for years.

In Scientology there are a list of 'conditions' assigned for either being upstat,at the top of the list or the lower conditions for mistakes made or bad behavior.These being:Liability, Doubt, Enemy or Treason, Non existance.

The Liability formula: a person has to do physical degrading work,followed by a writeup of the actions completed for each step of the formula.Then you have to ask permission to rejoin the group,by gaining signitures of said group.There are 'Yes' and 'No' columns.If the majority of the signitures are in the 'No' column the person has to redo the entire formula until the majority of the group have signed the 'Yes' column.

Janis and I had been out for the day, on Libs. We had had a great time, through the course of the day we had met up with some Greek boys we had a lot of fun talking to them as they knew no English and we knew no Greek.One of the boys we liked especially, he was called Casper. They walked us back to the entrance to the dockside. by then it was dark and we were about half an hour late, once on board we were seperated and handled by Ethics.It was thought we were a security risk "what had we divulged to the Greek boys," I kept thinking "this guy is nuts", considering how little of anything that I knew anyway.With the language barrier it would have been impossible to have divulged 'Secrets'. Apart from which, I was 11 years old and Janis was 12 years old. A major threat to security?

In the cargo hold it was dark,smelly and dirty.Being children and initially not realising what we were in for,we tried to make it fun at first.It was not fun,and we were reminded of the fact.We cleaned and scrubbed and chipped.I don't recall how long we were down there but I know it was at least one night,because we slept side by side,sitting up.We were not given any thing to sleep on , nor any blankets, we had just the clothes we stood up in. I'm sure it was longer, I know we were freezing,tired,hungry and filthy by the time we were allowed out.I know it must of been longer, because of the shape I was in, when I went up on deck eventually to get my signitures to rejoin the group, my eyes hurt badly, yet it was a dull, dank day.Whilst in the hold, the only ray of 'Sunshine', was at the top of the ladder.An officer, Hana Eltringham sitting at a desk,with a lovely smile.That smile kept me going.

Whatever bit of the hold we were kept in was where the ship goes in at the bottom, curved, there were iron girders coming off the sides, we had to stand on these to scrape and chip.We had one lamp to see by and that wasn't very bright. When I first came out of the hold and had to do the write up, I was waiting to see Hana to see what I had to do, she was talking to an officer i had never seen before. He was standing there in his full Sea Org uniform,and the look on his face when he saw me, was of total disgust. I know I was dirty, tired and smelly but it wasn't my fault, or was it?

Feeling so miserable and finding we then had a write up to do was auful and I didn't know what to write, it took ages.I kept getting it wrong, it took me several attemps, it wasn't until I realised I had to lie that I finally got it right. Make it go right, right! Even though I did not consider myself to be, I had to admit to being a security risk. This was hard, because if I didn't do it I would have been back in the hold, only this time by myself, I could not bare going down there again, especially alone. By far the hardest part was aquiring the signitures.It was so degrading and when someone wouldn't sign it,it was really hard.I was told "I wasn't worthy" by Alan Vos. As if it wasn't hard enough, this knocked me hard, so much so it was difficult to approach any one else.Yet I had to do it, to get out of Liability. I remember wandering around the deck, looking for anyone to sign my paper and unusually there were few people around, it was a dull day and I was so miserable,totally numb.

From that point on, I trusted no one on that ship and knew I had to get the hell off. I was at my lowest ebb and didn't want any part of scientology any more or any of the people in it. Where the hell was my Dad?

There are only two occasions I remember being in L. Ron Hubbards' cabin.
One was when he wouldn't wake up, he was ill, or so he said. His cabin was larger than any I had seen before, a medium sized bedroom.One thing that struck me was the fact that he had a single bunk, but it was single sized and he seemed too big for it. Both Janis and I were in there and it was decided that one of us had to go and get help. Janis went and I was left waiting in the cabin.While I waited, he was sleeping. Looking around the room, there was a couple of empty bottles of alcohol by the bed on a cabinet, across the room on the floor was a suitcase, open and contained more money in it than I had ever seen in my entire life. I don't remember who Janis camer back with but we were dismissed and told not to tell anyone about this incident.The lady in question had short darkish hair,

The other time was when I found myself on a day time shift, something I was not used to. I had to go to LRHs cabin and help him get ready for the day.He already had someone in attendance, Ken Urqhart, who was a sort of butler/valet. It was his job or hat to show me what I had to do. LRH had already had a wash of sorts at the small sink and was now sitting in a chair, where I was expected to wash his feet. I was uncomfortable about it as I had never done anything like this before. It was Ken who told me not to worry, I would get used to it.After washing and drying LRHs feet, who was sitting in the chair with just a pair of underpants on, I then had to dress him in a certain order. On this particular day he had a meeting of some sort and was wearing his full naval dress uniform. Ken showed and helped me to dress LRH on that day.
In March of 69 Scientology and Hubbards flotilla were ordered out of Corfu by the Greek government.

I don't remember exactly when this happened but it did happen. The whole of the crew had to muster on the deck.My friend and fellow messenger had come and got me as I was below decks, She said something about Hubbard meteing out some strange punishment to a man, involving pushing a peanut round the deck with his nose. Being kids we were laughing and joking about this as we felt even LRH would not do something like this. We were wrong. When we emerged on the deck, the whole crew were assembled, being small we had to push our way through to the front of the line up.We were still laughing as it seemed so absurd.To my horror, as we got to the front, a man stood up off the deck and his face was covered in blood. I didn't want to look.After this debacle was over, LRH called me up to the front and started shouting at me, then I was ordered up to the crows nest as punishment for laughing.

I was not laughing at the man, I was laughing at the absurdity of it all.When I had seen it was true, I was horrified that LRH would subject anyone to such a degrading experience, and all the while we were told how we were the most ethical place on earth.Climbing the crows nest was terrifying. I was scared of heights and this was so high up,when I reached the top, there was just a tiny little platform, I thought I was going to pass out.Someone shouted up to sit down, so i did. because I was so small, this left me even more vulnerable as all that stood between me and certain death was a small foot rail.Someone shouted up again to keep my eyes on the horizon, which I did.I don't remember when I passed out, someone obviously had to come up and get me, I was frozen to the spot in fear.I remember waking up on the deck with people looking down at me.I silently prayed to an unknown God, Please somebody get me off of this ship.

I don't remember where we sailed to when we first left Corfu, but by May of 69 I was deeply depressed, scared of putting a foot wrong, worried about my Dad,and terribly concerned that these people far from being the good, most ethical people on the planet, were in fact crooks and committing grossly unethical behaviour.A boy I knew delivered the mail to me for LRH,(it was part of my job(hat in Scientology language) to sort through his mail and put it on LRHs desk.On this day he said(the boy) you had better read the paper, which was on the top of the pile. He said its about your family.He guarded the door while I quickly read it, as I would have been in grave trouble if I had been caught reading entheta about Scientology.

Reading this paper "The News of the World"dated Sunday May 4th 1969, it was titled "Bid to Muzzle us Fails"( I have enclosed a copy).It stated that my Father, Michael Stainforth was wanted as a wittness in a court case.It said that the Scientologists had said he was on a ship somewhere and could not be contacted at this time.I knew this to be a lie, it was now May and my Dad had not been on board since the beginning of January.Whats more I still had no idea where he was.

By now I was 12 years old, my birthday came and went unnoticed by anyone.I was in a constant state of confusion and deeply depressed, apart from my role as a Commadores Messenger, I tried hard to avoid people, I was terrified of doing something wrong and being punished again. Even the relationship I had with my best friend, Janis was awkward.I didn't trust anyone, only myself.Whats worse is I didn't really trust myself, not to mess up and be punished.Try as I might to avoid the MAA(Master at Arms) and the Ethics Officers wrath, apparently I wasn't pulling my weight. One day whilst delivering LRHs mail, I found amongst it, an Ethics chit requesting permission from LRH to have 'me' thrown overboard.In my depressed state I had obviously not done as good a job of hiding my emotions as I had thought.Showing emotion was regarded as "out ethics". I was terrified of being thrown over the side of the Apollo(as it was now named), I had stood and watched so many people go through this, I was frightened of water, I couldn't swim and I was scared of heights.It was a hell of a long way down into the ocean.By now I knew I had just a few days to go before I was leaving the Apollo to go and join my Dad wherever he was based. I took the Ethics chit, ripped into tiny pieces and flushed it down the toilet. I was by this time so afraid it wouldn't flush away. After several attemps it was all gone.

I spent the next few days terrified of being found out.The punishment would have been extremely harsh. I have no doubt that I would have been over boarded and then either put in the hold, or even worse the chain locker.

Somewhere between reading the News of the World and the Ethics chit, I was on deck with Mary Sue Hubbard and another female officer.They were having a conversation about someone who was causing Scientology a lot of trouble. MSH was angry and said that "by any means necessary this person had to be shut up", I didn't know who she was talking about and was worried it was to do with my Father and or my Grandmother, because of what I had read in the paper.

I spent the last few days on board the Apollo trying very hard not to bump into the MAA. It was not easy, but I manged to right up until I was leaving. He was watching me across the deck,as I was walking towards the gang plank. It was all I could do to keep my nerve and get across the deck, down the gang plank and into the waiting taxi.It was such a relief to get off the Apollo, but I wasn't safe yet.I finally left the Apollo at the very end of May/early June 1969.

I didn't find out where I was going until we were in the taxi. We, I was accompanied by two men and two young children(whom I was expected to look after on our travels).We left Lisbon,Portugal and travelled by train and ferry to Sweden and then on to Denmark.At a large Swedish train station, we split up. One of the men(I do not remember their names) took the two young children and the other man accompnied me to Copenhagen.We went to a place just outside of Copenhagen, called Abellund. It was a large farm house set in the countryside.The minute I arrived I was whisked away for a drive by Commander Jill van Staden ( a South African who was second in command at Abellund, her title being Supercargo). She told me my Father was no longer there, he had been put in a condition of "Treason", and "you know what that means" she said.I did know what that meant, it meant that I could no longer ever have anything to do with my own Dad. I was devastated. It also meant that I was now still stuck in a foreign country, with no family, no way of contacting any one and I was still in the Sea Org, with these crazy Scientologists.I had gotten off the ship, but was no better off.

This is from the News of the World 4/5/1969.

Bid to Muzzle us Fails

An attempt by a section of the Scientologists to muzzle the News of the World has failed.Last week, more than three years after issuing a writ against us for alleged libel concerning its"Mind Cult," the Hubbard Association of Scientologists dropped the action.

They are to pay a considerable sum to cover the legal costs we incurred in preparing to defend the action.

The Scientologists (can't make out the next line,very old newspaper)their action was heard before Master Bickford Smith in chambers.He approved the application on condition:
1 --That no further action is brought by them on the same ground.
2--That they pay all costs.

Only the previous week the plaintiffs had gone to the Court of Appeal to say that a witness was unavailable and to ask for the libel case, which was then imminent, to be post- phoned.

The court granted a delay of not more than a week- and warned that further such applications by the Mind Cult would not be received sympathetically.

Robert Warren writes:
The dispute was over an article which appeared in the paper in January 1966.It was the first to mention the way in which Scientology, then a little known but rapidly growing fringe group, tended to break up family life.

Following that story and subsequent public outcry, the cult has now stopped the process of "disconnection"- the way in which followers were told to write to the friends and families saying they would have nothing more to do with them unless they took up Scientology.

I wrote the article after speaking to such a family.And a very distressing story it was.

Mrs. Anne Stainforth had received a letter from ------,her 18year old daughter who had become a Scientologist and gone to work as a clerk at St. Hill Manor, near East. Grinstead, Sussex.( I have omitted my Aunts name)

The letter said "This is to inform you that unless you get some training and processing I will disconnect from you as I feel that you are invalidative of me and Scientology."

"I am willing to help you in any way if you want, but until then i am not going to communicate with you or except any communications from you."
"I am doing this of my own free will and for my own betterment. Love ------"

Mrs. Stainforth was shocked. So was her elder daughter -------, who also received a similar letter.They did not feel that ------- was likely to write that sort of letter of her own free will. They suspected that she had been urged to write them by somebody at Saint Hill Manor. So they brought them to us.

I went to St. Hill Manor. And there I saw copies of similar letters pinned on an office notice board. The originals had been sent to relatives and friends of Scientologists all over the world.Since then I have discovered many cases of families split by "disconnection".

But the Scientologists and Lafayette Ron Hubbard, their rich American founder, refused to discuss it with me. So did ------ and her brother,-------- who had also become Scientologists.

We headlined our story: "Lets hear from you Mr. Hubbard."
Indirectly, we did.
His solicitors wrote to complain about the article. They gave us seven days to apologise for what we had said and pay damages and costs.We refused.

Eight months later we received a writ from the Hubbard Association of Scientologists International. Within weeks we were ready to defend this action in the High Court. But it was to be three years before the case was withdrawn.

Twice we applied for the action to be struck off for want of prosecution. Each time the Hubbard Association said they intended to proceed.
Finally, it was intended to be heard last month. At the last moment the plaintiffs said they could not get hold of their witnesses and asked for an adjournment.

Mr. Justice Paull called their application ridiculous.

The Scientologists said their main witness,Michael Stainforth was in a ship and they did not know where it was.The Judge suggested they use wireless to find him and refused their application.

The Scientologists took their plea to the Court of Appeal, where three Lord Justices granted a deferment of up to a week and warned that "any further application will certainly ."not be received with any sympathy. They said the Scientologists had been "dragging their feet."

The next day the Hubbard Association's legal representatives contacted ours and said they wanted to withdraw the action.

This they did last week before a Master in chambers.

When ------ Stainforth wrote her letters, Scientology was little known in Britain. It had been the subject of a Government inquiry in Victoria, Australia and then banned in that state.

Their were vehement criticisms of the cult in the Australian report, a document which should be read by anyone attracted to Scientology. At the time the report was published, Hubbard was still calling himself "Doctor" and claiming to be a disillusioned nuclear physicist, an explorer, a botanist, an inventor-- and one one of those very rare people who have visited Venus.

Since then he has left this country-he did so soon after our article appeared- and has been told by the Home Office not to return.

Hubbard has also been banned from Australia,Rhodesia and Greece.

He has renounced his title of "Doctor"--though no one knows where he got it from in the first place--and taken his movement to sea in a fleet of ships. The largest, Apollo was last reported heading for Northern Europe after being ordered out of Corfu by the Greek Government.

Hubbard's movement has been described in the House of Commons as "socially harmful." its methods "A serious danger to to the health of those who submit to them."

And Hubbard's response has been an almost hysterical attack on orthodox medicine and psychiatry. At the same time he issues statements saying he no longer has any control over the cult.Now Scientologys income in Britain has dropped.Much of it depended on foreign money, particularly from America.

Last summer the Home Office stopped people coming into the country to study Scientology and this weakened the British organisation.

But Lafayette Ron Hubbard is not beaten yet. He has an enormous International organisation.Every detail is regulated by written orders.The members are intensely loyal and discipline is strict.Defaulters are punished, sometimes severely. Their loyalty is rewarded.

Hubbard has come a long way from the days before he published his original hotch - potch of a thesis-- Dianetics, the Modern Science of Mental Health.I have traced his brain child back to its source--in Pasadena, California.

Those were the days, shortly after the war, when Hubbard, poor and just out from a psychiatric ward in a US Navy hospital, lived in a van in the garden of a house in Orange Grove Avenue.

There he wrote and re- wrote Dianetics. His previous writing had been Science fiction, but Dianetics was published as a serious work.

And in craze-prone America of the early 1950s, his theories became popular.It was on this unsteady base that he built his international Scientology empire.And its success, as Mr. Kenneth Robinson, the former Minister of Health, said in the Commons last year, was based on the policy of directing itself "deliberately towards the weak, the unbalanced, the immature, the rootless and mentally and emotionally unstable."

Another attack was made by Mr.Peter Horden, the conservative MP for Horsham,who said "The public has been hampered in its Knowledge of Scientology by the fact that as far as I can establish, on every occasion that the organisation has been named by a newspaper, the newspaper has been served with a writ for libel."
The News of the World agrees with these statements.

My Story Continued.........

Finally, I will get around to redoing my story here on ESK.I will be doing some editing and adding a few things here and there.I have called it "a life built on lies because I couldn't face the past" On OCMB, because for much of my growing up after leaving the Sea Org I was unable to talk about the experiences I had had, mainly out of fear. I was "handled" before I left the Sea Org, was told "there is no point in telling anyone about the things you have seen, because nobody will believe you as this is all so crazy and far fetched". Ain't that the truth.

For much of my teenage years if people asked about 'Where was my family', I often resorted to saying I didn't have one. I think most people thought they were dead, I never enlightened them any further, and it usually stopped any more questions. Questions about which I was very uncomfortable about answering, as I knew I would have to lie, which I ddin't like doing. I say lie, not outright, but certainly telling an "exceptable truth" In doing so, It was like I never had a childhood at all, It became my coping mechanism for years.

Having said that, these are "Suppressed Memories", not only did I not tell anyone else, but tried really hard to forget that any of this ever happened. This will be an ongoing thing, as and when time allows.

When I was a little girl,about 7-8yrs old, I lived with my family in a big old house called "Little Baldwins".We used to have boarders stay with us.They were all Scientologists.At the time i didn't really know what this meant.These people that stayed with us often came from abroad, I know some of them were from South Africa.Although i don't remember any of their names, I can still picture some of their faces,and they were so friendly and good to have around. I remember one woman in particular, she used to sit on the terrace by the sun dial and read about Scientology. Our house was always full of people,my aunt lived with us and an uncle(my Fathers twin brother).My mother wasn't my real Mother, but she was to me, I loved her with all my heart.I also had two younger brothers.As you can imagine it was quite a hectic household.

At the time there were always lots of new and strange words being said, I say strange because i didnt hear these words outside of my home,except when i started going to St. hill.The first time i remember going to St.Hill(at least i think it was the 1st time) I met LRH, he was coming along the drive in his car. He stopped and chatted to us,he smiled alot and was very friendly.When he drove off, my dad told me'what an important man he was.' What did i know, I idolised my Dad and if he told me 'he was an important man' then that was the truth,wasn't it?I found St. Hill fascinating,all the grounds,the huge manor house and other buildings.As a child I remember thinking wow,this LRH must be as important as I had been told.What i found very strange, when going through the buildings were all these people hooked up to e-metres,I used to stare,wondering what on earth they were doing.To me it seemed a very strange thing to be doing.I couldn't understand any of it.Slowly I just accepted that thats what happened at St.hill, but it did play on my mind that I didn' see anything like it anywhere else.

Like kids do i used to listen in on adult conversation quite alot.One such conversation played on my mind abit. That when you died,you dropped your body and went and found a new body to inhabbit(I didn't know the word thetan then).At school I'd learnt that if you died,you were dead.That was it.This caused me a fair bit of conflict.At the time one of my brothers had been stung by a bee, I was aware that if you got stung some people died as a reaction.My brother wouldn't stop screaming,i was very upset and was crying, convinced he would die and go and be somebody else.I didn't want him to be anyone else.I wanted him to stay being him.Our parents didn't know what the hell was going on.My brother and I cried ourselves to sleep wrapped around one another and I prayed with all my might he would be ok,it was such a relief to find him alive in the morning.

I know this might seem really silly to some,but it's important to show how a child's mind works when faced with things they don't understand,also it's all relevent to my story as a whole.When my youngest brother was born I overheard a conversation that talked about a thetan entering my baby brothers body.Someone that was dead had gone into my brothers body.WHAT!When Winston Churchill died, my Dad seemed to think it would be great if that person was my baby brother.He even found similarities in Churchills looks and my youngest brother. I really didn't like the idea at all and tried to put it out of my mind,but sometimes it bothered me abit.I loved both of my brothers very much and in many ways was like a second little Mummy to them.

At this time I had alot of responcibility put on me keeping my brothers occupied and always seemed to be changing nappies.Much of the time I didn't mind,but the poohy nappies all became too much, we had a down stairs cloakroom,outside the window there were thick prickly bushes and this one day i'd had enough of pooh,so I lobbed the nappy out of the window.I felt bad but thought noone would ever know.The next time I had a really yucky nappy, I couldn't face cleaning it and out the window it went.This went on for quite awhile,being so young it never occurred to me, soon we would run out of nappies.Also it was summer and out the back door it was starting to stink.I was mortified one day to find my Dad cutting all the bushes back,I went and hid down in my den.Funny looking back on that,as far as i recall not alot was said,and i didn't have to do the nappies so much after that.

I went in L. Ron Hubbards office once,he wasn't in it at the time,it was large and seemed very grand to me.I helped put loads of books on the bookshelves,these books were changed every few months.I know my Dad had to go off somewhere for a few minutes and said he had to lock me in because the office had to be kept locked at all times.Sometimes when I went into work with my Dad,I would run errands for other people.Sometimes we went to a service in the chapel,thats when i met a teenager who had gone clear.She was a really nice girl and we sat on a wall chatting,and she told me how wonderful she felt.She certainly looked "glowing"I remember thinking 'wow'. Can't describe the service,as i wasn't very interested at the time.

I know one man i liked,a South African, he stayed with us on and off. The last i heard of him, he'd committed suicide.I couldn't think why anyone would do that then.I was pretty sure I knew this mans name, However I'm not certain, other than he did stay with us at Little Baldwins, he was a Scientologist and he did commit suicide.

I rarely if ever got to see my grand mother because she was against my Dad being involved in scientology, which I thought was a shame because I wanted to see her.The last time I saw her as a child, she came to visit when I was in the bath, I remember her telling me which parts of my body to wash, in a certain order.She said she wouldn't see me for a very long time as she was moving to America.

At some point around late 66 /early 67 I did some of the chldrens courses, I didn't want to but my Dad thought it would be good for me.To please him I said I'd give it a go.I watched for a while and all the other children seemed to be ok about it,Iv'e read children had teddies but I only remember there being an ashtray.I could not grasp talking to an ashtray at all, saying 'thankyou' to it was totally beyond me.I did not like it,and didn't see the point.
Again, asking "Do fish swim" or "Do birds fly", to me it was obvious that they did, so I didn't understand 'why' the need to ask.I felt really uncomfortable doing these drills but persevered as best as I could.The final one was the bullbaiting, this I really didn't like, I don't know if it was the man I was with or what,but I actually felt scared whilst staring and being stared at.I don't recall how long it went on for, but my head hurt and my eyes. For me as a child, a very uncomfortable experience!

Being so young,parts of our life at this point are a little hazy.It was a long time ago.My Father was at ST.hill much of the time and my Mum had all the boarders to look after.When i wasn't caring for my brothers,i would roam the grounds of house,which was large including a field,a wonderful playground.I was at my happiest there.

The first time i met Marysue was on the steps of the manor house,she was so nice and reminded me of a movie star,a real lady.I was in awe of her,at the time.
When Hubbard came back from Rhodesia,the excitement at St. Hill was incredible,everyone was rushing about preparing for his arrival,some coaches of scienos had gone to meet him at the airport and those left behind had wanted to be there too.I can only describe the atmosphere as electric!
I know i am missing bits out here,but i'm struggling to put the pieces of the jig-saw in order.

Suddenly our world was turned upside down,Bam!The scieno boarders all had to go,and we had to move. We were homeless.I never knew why,until recently.Apparently,the electric bill had been so high,owing to all the boarders using so many heaters that my parents couldn't afford to pay the bill.The electric was cut off.We stayed in a hotel for a couple of nights,then at my Mums parents house.The next thing i knew my Mum ,brothers and myself were living in a small granny annexe next to a large house.set in large grounds just outside East.G rinstead.My Dad didn't come with us,i didn't understand.

The house was full of scientologists,two sisters from America ran the house,Mary and Betty.Everyone was so nice and made us feel really welcome.My Mum at this time learnt she was pregnant again,where the hell was my father.It was a very difficult time especially for my Mum,she had the three of us to look out for and had to work to support us.She used to work nights,cleaning and i looked after the boys.Luckily i had the support of the scieno household right on the doorstep.
We got on well with everyone and i spent alot of my time in the main house with them.Bo Johnson lived there, Karen Black ,a matador from Spain called Ernie,a really big man called Bob and numerous other people came and went,whose names i don't recall.There was also a family with a son called Mike,he was about my age.
After awhile i was informed my Dad had gone to live with another woman,who he married.I thought this was pretty odd because i'd always thought my Mum and Dad were married.

For heating we only had an oil burning heater,before my Mum had left for work she'd told me not to try and move it.The room was so tiny and at the time i was always doing cartwheels and the like,it was in the way.Anyway i tried to move it and the next thing i knew the rug was on fire.Frightened the hell out of me,fortunately i stomped all over it really quickly and managed to put it out.I poured water on it for good measure and was very relieved.I went and got Mary from next door for support.I was so scared,my brothers were asleep in the next room.It didn't bare thinking about what could of happened.

There were somewhere between 15-20 people living at Coopers Wood. They were all really good people,I liked them all.Most of these people were either "Auntie or Uncle", non of them were relations but it gave the impression of being one big happy family One in particular was Uncle Ernie( Ernie Martin) he was a matador.He had his full matador costume with him and it was fantastic to see him dressed up with his red cape pretending to tease a bull.I didn't like the idea of him killing bulls but it was a real treat to watch him performing.He also was a blackbelt in martial arts,which I thought that was really cool.He used to show me various moves, that he would use when he was bullfighting.He used to tell me stories of his bull fighting days , being just a kid I found it all fascinating.

Sometimes I would go into his room and he would stand behind me and position my arms and legs in various poses, this was to show me "martial arts".This was all good fun,but then he kept touching my bottom and make out it was a mistake.Also because I'd just started developing,he would comment on it.Being very naive I didn't really pay much attention, I was 9 years old, about to turn 10yrs.One night I was in the main house watching TV with about ten other people,the lights were switched off, so it was dark.I often sat near to or on Ernies lap and all of a sudden I felt Ernies' hand in side my shorts.I jumped in the air and told him not to do that.Everyone shot up,the lights went on and Mary asked me to repeat what I had just said, which I did.I said"he often tried to touch me in that area,"which he had.I was told to go home, funnily enough more upset that I had to miss the rest of tv.

The next morning was quite strange,Betty came and said she was taking me out for the day.I can't remember where we went,but there was a market and she bought me a couple of dresses and a few other things.We also had a chinese meal.Ifelt like royalty being treated so.It wasn't until the following day I realised Ernie was not there anymore.When I asked "What happened to him,why hadn't he even said Goodbye" I was told "he had,had to go away in a hurry and how sorry he was not to say goodbye." At the time I was upset by this, in my innocense i felt betrayed because he'd left without saying goodbye.Nothing was ever said about it again and I was about 15yrs old before I realised what had happened.I felt even more betrayed then as I realised he hadn't been my friend at all.

Christmas 66, money was very tight,but our Mother who was very resourceful and good at crafts,collected some branches and tied bassets allsorts all over the branches as a Christmas tree.It was lovely.Over christmas Mum took us to visit Dad with his new wife.I didn't realise it then, but that must have been auful for her.The actress Karen Black had been on a visit to Carnaby Street in London and had bought me a set of handcuffs as a Christmas present.She had been studying Scientology at St. Hill and was also reading a script for a film she was doing.I think she flew back to America either just before Christmas or just after.

Early 67 our baby sister was born,she was beautiful.It was a good job too,because i think with all the upheaval and work, it took it's toll on Mum.I'm pretty sure she was born at home,both my brothers had been and strangely I remember their births far more clearly.Some one on here talked about barley water,I do remember talk of it back then(barley water) but I couldn't tell you if our sister had it or not.I do know we drank lemon barley water.Some times I had to cook dinner and although I am sure I wasn't very good at it, I remember making Hungarian ghoulash.Our groceries were delivered in a couple of boxes weekly , it was always very exciting when these arrived.

I stole some money out of the phone kitty jar in the main house and got caught. Mary was very firm but fair, I had to wash up every night for some time to make amends.No one held it against me. At this time I became a major fan of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, an American delicacy.I still went to the same primary school, just around the corner from Little Baldwins. It was a long way from there to Coopers Wood.For the first week or so my Dad had arranged for me to have a taxi, but after that I had to walk.It was about an hours walk from school to Coopers Wood.

Our Mum still continued to work evenings and I had the job of looking after the boys and baby, if I needed a hand there was always help next door.One day I was walking home from school and Betty pulled up in a taxi and told me "to get in".I could tell something was wrong by her face.Our little sister had died. She was only 3 months old, Our Mum was at the hospital.It was the first time I had encountered death up close and personal and it was a horrible feeling.I was very upset.When I saw our Mum,she looked numb.It was so sad.I think it was a cot death,breathing difficulties.The funeral service was held at St.Hill in the chapel.The chapel was packed with people,although now all I can see is a sea of faces.I know our Mum was there and Dad,Mary and Betty.All that really stuck in my mind was this tiny white coffin on a plinth,on the coffin was a little gold plaque with her name on it Therese Marie Stainforth..I'd never seen Mum so upset and I knew there was no making it better.

Things were never the same from then on,Mum was quiet and obviously grieving.The eldest of my brothers did everything he could to annoy me,the youngest one was much quieter,not too mischievious yet and I missed my Dad so much.Everyone next door rallied round to help and cheer us up.I don't know whether it was my age or the circumstances,but I didn't always get on with Mum any more and decided I was running away to find my Dad.I left one evening late with a huge suitcase and stayed in the woods at the back behind the house,it was quite a distance,and the case was heavy., I went to sleep in the wood,then in the middle of the night I felt a dog licking my face and a policeman telling me to wake up.I was determined I wasn't waking up and pretended unconsciousness.Of course i was taken home.Mike(the boy who lived in the main house) had told where I was.

Everything just went from bad to worse at home and then one day my Dad came and told me he was going away and wouldn't be back for a long time.He was going on a ship to join the Seo Org.I was heartbroken and cried and cried.I asked why I couldn't go with him.He said"he would look into it,but was doubtful" The next time I saw him it was arranged,we were going to live on a ship,the Royal Scotsman.

In October 1967 my Dad and I flew to North Africa, Tunis is stamped on my passport.The flight was very exiting, I had never been on a plane before, it was scary but good.On arrival, it was a real eye opener.It was so hot and to see people dressed in robes, turbans and woman wearing burkahs was very strange.It was so colourful and reminiscent of stories i'd heard in school about the bible.It was as if I'd been transformed into another world.

We arrived at the ship, and went on board.We were ushered into an office where contracts had to be signed.My Father must have already signed his because I was the one presented with a contract.(My Dad had already been a part of setting up the Sea Org/ Project earlier in the year in Alicante, Spain. He brought me back a little trinket box, which I still have to this day,) It said I had to sign for a billion years'.My Father was quite concerned and queried this as I was only 10yrs old.We were told "sign,or get off the ship".We discussed this, I told my Dad "nothing mattered as long as I could be with him".So I signed.I never really thought about it at the time, I just wanted to be with my Dad and I couldn't of imagined a billion years if I had tried.I was lucky enough to be allocated a cabin which I shared with another girl Janis, whom I had already met previously at St.Hill. We got on really well and she was my best friend while I was there.(I say lucky,because it was some time before I saw the dormitories where most of the crew slept, they were crampt and horrible compared to the cabins.)Our cabin was situated on the same deck as LRHs quarters, but at the opposite end and on the other side of the ship.

At first not much was expected of me and I would wonder about the ship,sometimes doing small jobs for people or watching the local traders on the dock selling their wares.This provided endless fun as they would sqabble amongst one another to get anyone to buy something from them.If any crew went down the gang plank they were mobbed by these sellers, it was very difficult to get away without buying something. If noone left the ship they (traders)would call up trying to coax someone down.Most of the kids bought these tiny little cameras, with tiny rolls of film and went around on and off the ship taking pictures of everyone. As far as I know none of these films were ever developed.

I had watched Janis ,Suzette and another girl Claire running round as messengers and I wanted to do this too.One day while LRH was walking round the decks he came over to me and said "I hear you want to be a messenger,your a little young but how about we give it a go".I was thrilled at the time and said "Thankyou".He burst into laughter and repeated "Thankyou" 3 times in all,laughing all the time.I didn't know what was so funny,but it certainly amused him.

I liked being a messenger,it gave me a sence of purpose.Everyone on the ship was so friendly at the begining.'Clearing the planet' was a term I often heard and it seemed like a good thing.Helping people,helping the world, and I'm sure I can speak for everyone on that ship at that point in time,that is what they thought they were doing-Helping mankind.

The children were expected to attend school about three times a week for 2-3 hours.I don't remember how many children in total there were but a fair few of us.School consisted of a scientology work sheet and a dictionary.I only remember going about 3 times,once I was a messenger school was over.Most messenger work while I was there consisted of running errands,taking all mail in my in-tray up to LRH,following him around when he strolled the decks.I had to carry an ashtray for his cigarette ash.Sometimes a shift could be really boring sitting in semi dark outside his office waiting for an errand.Often in the evenings was difficult to keep my eyes open. I got on quite well with LRH, he was quite patient with me,and often told me" to be at ease" as I always stood to attention,even when it wasn't necessary.This was very early on.

Whilst still in Tunisia, a group of us children were taken out for a meal by Des and Joyce Popham. They were really nice people, we had a really fun time that day.On the way to the resteraunt, I was fascinated by the women walking around, covered head to toe, with just their eyes peeping out.If that seemed alien to me at the time, which it did, what was going to happen later on the ship was far more surreal.

One of my favourite people on the ship was Amos Jessup, he always took the time to stop and chat, told us stories, made us laugh and on occasion played the harmonica.He had a younger brother Nate Jessup who was dating Diana Hubbard at the time, they spent a lot of time together. Quite often Diana would say, if LRH asks, "you haven't seen me".

Apart from one time, shortly after I joined the ship, I stroked Vixie Marysue's dog.On that day she (MSH) smiled and was quite chatty.I don't ever remember her being like that again.Most evenings when I had to sit outside LRHs office waiting for orders, Marysue would often come out of her office which was right next door, on occasion she would ask a question, but always with the same deadpan face.I often felt like I didn't exist in her eyes.

The Royal Scotsman had a film crew come on board to interview LRH, I didn't know it at the time but this documentary was done by Granada Telivision and is called "The Shrinking World of L. Ron Hubbard". I wasn't even aware that I was filmed in this. A friend back in England, after I had left the Sea Org told me she had seen me on telivision. It was many, many years later that I actually saw this documentary myself and was shocked to see myself as a little girl on the Royal Scotsman/ Apollo. There was no denying it any more to myself, I really had been a child once.

I didn't get to see my Dad as often as i would have liked, we went on 'Libs'( a day off) once a week at first, that was great fun.One day I spent all day trying to find my Dad, I never actually knew where he worked on the ship.I couldn't find him and noone I asked seemed to know where he was either. Eventually late in the evening he found me and said" if it happened again, I was to leave a message for him with the Quartermaster and he would find me."Everything was so new to me and there was always so much going on, new people arrived daily and it was a time of great exitement, but some things were about to change and they were not good.

After I had been a messenger for a short while LRH asked me, "How did I like being a messenger"(or words to that effect).I said "I did like my job(hat as the term would of been), but I missed my family".He replyed with "your family will be fine,you need to concentrate on the group"he looked irritated with me.At the time it caused me great conflict, I kept thinking" How can family not be important" after all this was a 'father' talking wasn't it?

I don't actually remember all the places we visited, or in what order. These are documented elsewhere. My lack of memory on this is probably due to more worrying things that happened whilst aboard the Royal Scotsman/ Apollo.

My first encounter with 'lower conditions'. Ron Pooks was put in 'enemy/treason', can't remember which and was up on one of the smaller decks, sanding down railings.We were not supposed to talk to him, this did not deter my friend. We sneaked some food up to him, which was a present from the cook.Ron seemed cheerful enough at the time , and I did not understand

My second encounter with 'lower conditions'.Yelling and shouting coming from one of the cabins. Hammering on the cabin door with his fists, this went on for days. I never saw who the person was, but was told they were completely mad and were locked in there for their own good.I did not understand.

Meanwhile everyone on board went about their daily business as if everything was perfectly normal.

Whilst at sea, diversions from "clearing the planet" from war, crime and insanity were watching dolphins, both in the distance and closer in the wake of the ships waves.Although a brief diversion from the realities of being a SO member, it was a sight to behold.Another striking vision was watching a submarine coming up out of the water, the water causing a myriad of wavelets bubbling up out of the ocean.It surfaced sufficiently for the top to open up and a man got out.It was a very strange scene.The ship was stationary at the time ,Then back to reality, there was talk of them( the submarine) spying on us.When the submarine finally submerged, it was hanging around underneath us and LRH thought it was tracking us.I couldn't make head nor tale out of it, but I know it was a concern for LRH.We moved on.

Much of the time I hadn't got a clue what was going on.LRH spent a lot of his time in his office, well into the night on occasions. I could often hear him talking, knowing nobody was in there with him, I thought it very odd.It was a while before I realised he was recording, which is one of the reasons he did not want to be disturbed.I could very rarely hear exactly what he was saying, it was just a mumble from where I sat. Marysue would sometimes come out of her office, look at LRHs door, stand there for a few minutes and then go back into her office, shutting the door.

It was a refreshing change when LRH went walk about on the decks, on some of these occasions he would be in a jubliant mood, one particular time , he stopped to chat to a bunch of students. This was when I noticed how in awe of LRH these people were, it was like he was the best and most famous person on earth.He was telling stories, making these students laugh, it was all happy, happy, happy and wasn't life wonderful, I lost interest and gazed out to sea.

There were a number of officers standing by a hatch, all in their military style uniforms, LRH was angry. He was ranting and raving about psychiatry, how we had to infiltrate governments, world banking, he went on and on and on, he smashed his fist on the top of the hatch, the Officers went off to follow his orders. I had no idea what they were going to do, but I knew it sounded bad and wrong, but they would do whatever it was because LRH had ordered it.

It was soon to be LRHs birthday. I was besides myself when my friend asked what I had got for him. I hadn't got anything for him as i didn't have any money. My friend said "everyone has to get something for LRH on his birthday". I felt terrible, so my friend said "not to worry", she would put my name on her gift to him also.What a relief.

I saw very little of my Dad, sometimes it was days that I didn't see him. I really liked Peaches and Ron Pooks( I don't think they were married at that time) and also Amos, I sought them out whenever I could, they were fun to be around.I wrote home to my Mother and brothers a few times, but never ever got a reply back. I hated it when mail was handed out, I never got any. I never understood why.

When Peaches and Ron Pooks went off on the Athena(Avon River) on a mission, I was miserable. Not Sure if Amos went on the same mission but he also went off at the same time and I felt so lonely as these people had become my adult friends. I hadn't realised how much I had relyed on them being there until they were gone.I still had my young friends but somehow it wasn't the same.

One night we were all up really late, I was on messenger duty. Not sure what was going on, but some divers were sent down into the depths of the ocean. There was a huge winch, which made a hell of a racket. I'm not sure whether we were dumping stuff over the side of the ship, or bringing it up out of the sea. There was this large, black metal container on the deck. I don't know what it was.LRH left MSH in charge, I was there so If need be I could go and get Ron If whatever it was they were doing was successful and Ron wanted to be there.It was late, dark, and cold. I was tired and didn't want to be there, but could not go till I was dismissed.

Much of Messenger duty at night was waiting around to go fetch someone,deliver papers to someone else, that kind of thing. I spent most nights either standing outside a door, or sitting outside of a door. It could be very boring.If we were at sea, it was a little more interesting, especially if LRH was on the bridge. By interesting, I mean there were more messages to be delivered etc. Less time to stand around being bored.

One daytime shift I had to go and get someone up out of their bunk, it was the first time I had been down into the mens dormitory. The smell was what hit me first, stale sweat and smelly socks, The bunks were squashed together like sardines in a tin, just a tiny gap in between beds.This was when I realised how lucky I was to share a small cabin with just one other girl. The man I went to get didn't want to get up, I told him LRH said "now!" A couple of times when I went to get people up out of the dormitory, they would be following along behind me pulling clothes on as they went. Not only did they have to appear when LRH said so, but also they had to look reasonably presentable or else.

This is from a little earlier on on board the Apollo.

My first day in the school room, I was late as no one had told me I had to be there.Every one else had already started what they were doing. It was unlike any other school room I had been in as all the students were totally different in ages.The children ranged from about 6 years old to mid teens.When I went in Quentin was sitting at the front and turned round and stared at me, I stared straight back. I didn't know it then but this was to be a regular thing between me and Quentin. I was given a list of words/questions, I don't remember exactly, and a dictionary and a lump of plastercine.I had to do a demonstration with the plastercine of what the word meant. I remember sitting there thinking what kind of schooling is this. It was not even remotely like what I had done in primary school back home in East.Grinstead.

I sat there a long while thinking how do you make a demonstration of "it", and "and". It was totally beyond my comprehension.It was such a relief when class was dismissed. I dreaded going back. On the other couple of times I attended I was no better off. I did not understand what on earth I was supposed to be doing.In many ways when I became a Messenger and didn't attend the school room anymore, it was a huge relief as I hadn't got a clue what I was supposed to be doing.

Quentin and I often stared at each other from a distance, as time went on we occasionally had a conversation. One particular time he told a joke and was laughing, we all were. It was so nice to see him laugh, he didn't very often.Most times he could be seen going around the decks like a glider, arms outstretched and making plane noises.On one occasion I was walking along the deck, Quentin was coming from the opposite direction, being a plane.He immediately straightened up, walking normally, both of us were eye ball to eye ball until we passed one another. He resumed being a plane, I knew he would, I couldn't resist looking back after him and sure enough he was back in his own little world. Quentin and I had an unusual relationship, it was silent much of the time, but I think we both knew, we were not meant to be here, we didn't fit in.

Not sure if this was Ethics or not. Where ever we were the sun seemed relentlessly hot, it always astonished me that these men hung off of these tiny little makeshift seats, suspended in mid air, chipping away or painting the hull.Their bronzed, skinny bodies just sitting there, high up above the decks, their faces either totally devoid of expression as if they had given in to their fate, or as one man appeared, angry, yet knowing he could do nothing about the situation he was in.

As a precurser to the Liability cruise, I was walking along the deck, people were milling around and were looking at something.As I approached the crowd of about 15 people I stopped dead. There was a large blackboard on the deck,. I cannot remember the exact words, but basically "tougher Ethics had to be put in", there was a list of the "conditions", The ones that stood out and stared at me were Liability, Doubt, Treason, Enemy and Non Existance. These all seemed like such bad words. Made you fearful, even though you weren't exactly sure what it was you were fearful about. I didn't know what it meant, but I could tell by the adult faces it was something else to worry about.

I don't really remember too much about it, except that it was a mad, all hands on deck, spring clean.Brasses were polished, decks were scrubbed,paintwork scrubbed down or repainted. Everything had to be gleaming.All the work done, was done pretty much in silence. It was a very strange place to be.Everyone just pretty much got on with it and once again we were in LRHs good books.

When we arrived in Corfu,everything seemed quite normal, on the surface. There were odd evenings down near the dockside where there was an old taverna, where members of the Sea Org congrgated drinking eating and telling stories.Some of these evenings were a lot of fun.One evening we all( a fare few of the crew) went to a resteraunt and had a meal.There was Greek music and dancing and lots of plates were smashed, much to the delight of everyone. The plate smashing was followed by loud shouts and cheers. A good time was had by all.

Heavy Ethics was not forgotten, the "Overboardings" began.I'm not sure what triggered this,but it was a solemn and macabre affair.The crew were woken every morning by the Ethics Officer banging on the doors telling everyone to muster on the deck (poop deck springs to mind, but I don't remember which deck it was).When at muster, names were called out to check everyone was present, followed by a list of names that were to be overboarded. Some times there would be just one person thrown over the side of the ship, but on other occasions several people were thrown over. Their crimes would be read out, more often than not I did not understand what their crime was.There was always a chaplain present, which made it appear to be a sanctifying experience.The person overboarded would be committing their sins to the deep, at least thats what the chaplain said.Two men, one of which was the Ethics Officer would then pick the person up and throw them over the side of the ship. It was a long way down.Thrown from so high up,the person thrown over the side would make a mighty splash into the ocean below and must have gone down into the water a fair way.

Every morning waiting to hear if your name was on the list was very frightening.For me at least, I tried so hard to do everything properly, not to forget anything , not to have any reason to find myself on that list and be overboarded.Apart from the humiliation and degradation, I could not swim and was terrified of drowning. There were times when LRH would come to watch the show. He would station himself up on a higher balcony type deck and watch this cruel ceremony with much amusement.I will never forget him watching, smiling and laughing as if this was entertainment, his own personal show.Sometimes he would take pictures or film the event also, whilst on the deck everyones face was solemn and grim.It didn't matter how young or old you were either, if your name was called out, overboard you would go.

The day after John McMasters went overboard, with his arm wrapped in a grubby sling he came and stood by a railing on the deck.There were a group of crew members sitting and talking, I was amongst them.John was really upset, he kept saying "when are you all going to realise?" and "one day you'll see". He was quite obviously in a lot of pain from his broken arm, and very angry with LRH.Nobody said a word to him, no comfort, no sympathy, nothing.

He was right, I had already seen,but I was an 11 year old girl on a Scientology ship, there was nothing I could do.