Tuesday, 31 May 2011

My Story Continued.........

Finally, I will get around to redoing my story here on ESK.I will be doing some editing and adding a few things here and there.I have called it "a life built on lies because I couldn't face the past" On OCMB, because for much of my growing up after leaving the Sea Org I was unable to talk about the experiences I had had, mainly out of fear. I was "handled" before I left the Sea Org, was told "there is no point in telling anyone about the things you have seen, because nobody will believe you as this is all so crazy and far fetched". Ain't that the truth.

For much of my teenage years if people asked about 'Where was my family', I often resorted to saying I didn't have one. I think most people thought they were dead, I never enlightened them any further, and it usually stopped any more questions. Questions about which I was very uncomfortable about answering, as I knew I would have to lie, which I ddin't like doing. I say lie, not outright, but certainly telling an "exceptable truth" In doing so, It was like I never had a childhood at all, It became my coping mechanism for years.

Having said that, these are "Suppressed Memories", not only did I not tell anyone else, but tried really hard to forget that any of this ever happened. This will be an ongoing thing, as and when time allows.

When I was a little girl,about 7-8yrs old, I lived with my family in a big old house called "Little Baldwins".We used to have boarders stay with us.They were all Scientologists.At the time i didn't really know what this meant.These people that stayed with us often came from abroad, I know some of them were from South Africa.Although i don't remember any of their names, I can still picture some of their faces,and they were so friendly and good to have around. I remember one woman in particular, she used to sit on the terrace by the sun dial and read about Scientology. Our house was always full of people,my aunt lived with us and an uncle(my Fathers twin brother).My mother wasn't my real Mother, but she was to me, I loved her with all my heart.I also had two younger brothers.As you can imagine it was quite a hectic household.

At the time there were always lots of new and strange words being said, I say strange because i didnt hear these words outside of my home,except when i started going to St. hill.The first time i remember going to St.Hill(at least i think it was the 1st time) I met LRH, he was coming along the drive in his car. He stopped and chatted to us,he smiled alot and was very friendly.When he drove off, my dad told me'what an important man he was.' What did i know, I idolised my Dad and if he told me 'he was an important man' then that was the truth,wasn't it?I found St. Hill fascinating,all the grounds,the huge manor house and other buildings.As a child I remember thinking wow,this LRH must be as important as I had been told.What i found very strange, when going through the buildings were all these people hooked up to e-metres,I used to stare,wondering what on earth they were doing.To me it seemed a very strange thing to be doing.I couldn't understand any of it.Slowly I just accepted that thats what happened at St.hill, but it did play on my mind that I didn' see anything like it anywhere else.

Like kids do i used to listen in on adult conversation quite alot.One such conversation played on my mind abit. That when you died,you dropped your body and went and found a new body to inhabbit(I didn't know the word thetan then).At school I'd learnt that if you died,you were dead.That was it.This caused me a fair bit of conflict.At the time one of my brothers had been stung by a bee, I was aware that if you got stung some people died as a reaction.My brother wouldn't stop screaming,i was very upset and was crying, convinced he would die and go and be somebody else.I didn't want him to be anyone else.I wanted him to stay being him.Our parents didn't know what the hell was going on.My brother and I cried ourselves to sleep wrapped around one another and I prayed with all my might he would be ok,it was such a relief to find him alive in the morning.

I know this might seem really silly to some,but it's important to show how a child's mind works when faced with things they don't understand,also it's all relevent to my story as a whole.When my youngest brother was born I overheard a conversation that talked about a thetan entering my baby brothers body.Someone that was dead had gone into my brothers body.WHAT!When Winston Churchill died, my Dad seemed to think it would be great if that person was my baby brother.He even found similarities in Churchills looks and my youngest brother. I really didn't like the idea at all and tried to put it out of my mind,but sometimes it bothered me abit.I loved both of my brothers very much and in many ways was like a second little Mummy to them.

At this time I had alot of responcibility put on me keeping my brothers occupied and always seemed to be changing nappies.Much of the time I didn't mind,but the poohy nappies all became too much, we had a down stairs cloakroom,outside the window there were thick prickly bushes and this one day i'd had enough of pooh,so I lobbed the nappy out of the window.I felt bad but thought noone would ever know.The next time I had a really yucky nappy, I couldn't face cleaning it and out the window it went.This went on for quite awhile,being so young it never occurred to me, soon we would run out of nappies.Also it was summer and out the back door it was starting to stink.I was mortified one day to find my Dad cutting all the bushes back,I went and hid down in my den.Funny looking back on that,as far as i recall not alot was said,and i didn't have to do the nappies so much after that.

I went in L. Ron Hubbards office once,he wasn't in it at the time,it was large and seemed very grand to me.I helped put loads of books on the bookshelves,these books were changed every few months.I know my Dad had to go off somewhere for a few minutes and said he had to lock me in because the office had to be kept locked at all times.Sometimes when I went into work with my Dad,I would run errands for other people.Sometimes we went to a service in the chapel,thats when i met a teenager who had gone clear.She was a really nice girl and we sat on a wall chatting,and she told me how wonderful she felt.She certainly looked "glowing"I remember thinking 'wow'. Can't describe the service,as i wasn't very interested at the time.

I know one man i liked,a South African, he stayed with us on and off. The last i heard of him, he'd committed suicide.I couldn't think why anyone would do that then.I was pretty sure I knew this mans name, However I'm not certain, other than he did stay with us at Little Baldwins, he was a Scientologist and he did commit suicide.

I rarely if ever got to see my grand mother because she was against my Dad being involved in scientology, which I thought was a shame because I wanted to see her.The last time I saw her as a child, she came to visit when I was in the bath, I remember her telling me which parts of my body to wash, in a certain order.She said she wouldn't see me for a very long time as she was moving to America.

At some point around late 66 /early 67 I did some of the chldrens courses, I didn't want to but my Dad thought it would be good for me.To please him I said I'd give it a go.I watched for a while and all the other children seemed to be ok about it,Iv'e read children had teddies but I only remember there being an ashtray.I could not grasp talking to an ashtray at all, saying 'thankyou' to it was totally beyond me.I did not like it,and didn't see the point.
Again, asking "Do fish swim" or "Do birds fly", to me it was obvious that they did, so I didn't understand 'why' the need to ask.I felt really uncomfortable doing these drills but persevered as best as I could.The final one was the bullbaiting, this I really didn't like, I don't know if it was the man I was with or what,but I actually felt scared whilst staring and being stared at.I don't recall how long it went on for, but my head hurt and my eyes. For me as a child, a very uncomfortable experience!

Being so young,parts of our life at this point are a little hazy.It was a long time ago.My Father was at ST.hill much of the time and my Mum had all the boarders to look after.When i wasn't caring for my brothers,i would roam the grounds of house,which was large including a field,a wonderful playground.I was at my happiest there.

The first time i met Marysue was on the steps of the manor house,she was so nice and reminded me of a movie star,a real lady.I was in awe of her,at the time.
When Hubbard came back from Rhodesia,the excitement at St. Hill was incredible,everyone was rushing about preparing for his arrival,some coaches of scienos had gone to meet him at the airport and those left behind had wanted to be there too.I can only describe the atmosphere as electric!
I know i am missing bits out here,but i'm struggling to put the pieces of the jig-saw in order.

Suddenly our world was turned upside down,Bam!The scieno boarders all had to go,and we had to move. We were homeless.I never knew why,until recently.Apparently,the electric bill had been so high,owing to all the boarders using so many heaters that my parents couldn't afford to pay the bill.The electric was cut off.We stayed in a hotel for a couple of nights,then at my Mums parents house.The next thing i knew my Mum ,brothers and myself were living in a small granny annexe next to a large house.set in large grounds just outside East.G rinstead.My Dad didn't come with us,i didn't understand.

The house was full of scientologists,two sisters from America ran the house,Mary and Betty.Everyone was so nice and made us feel really welcome.My Mum at this time learnt she was pregnant again,where the hell was my father.It was a very difficult time especially for my Mum,she had the three of us to look out for and had to work to support us.She used to work nights,cleaning and i looked after the boys.Luckily i had the support of the scieno household right on the doorstep.
We got on well with everyone and i spent alot of my time in the main house with them.Bo Johnson lived there, Karen Black ,a matador from Spain called Ernie,a really big man called Bob and numerous other people came and went,whose names i don't recall.There was also a family with a son called Mike,he was about my age.
After awhile i was informed my Dad had gone to live with another woman,who he married.I thought this was pretty odd because i'd always thought my Mum and Dad were married.

For heating we only had an oil burning heater,before my Mum had left for work she'd told me not to try and move it.The room was so tiny and at the time i was always doing cartwheels and the like,it was in the way.Anyway i tried to move it and the next thing i knew the rug was on fire.Frightened the hell out of me,fortunately i stomped all over it really quickly and managed to put it out.I poured water on it for good measure and was very relieved.I went and got Mary from next door for support.I was so scared,my brothers were asleep in the next room.It didn't bare thinking about what could of happened.


There were somewhere between 15-20 people living at Coopers Wood. They were all really good people,I liked them all.Most of these people were either "Auntie or Uncle", non of them were relations but it gave the impression of being one big happy family One in particular was Uncle Ernie( Ernie Martin) he was a matador.He had his full matador costume with him and it was fantastic to see him dressed up with his red cape pretending to tease a bull.I didn't like the idea of him killing bulls but it was a real treat to watch him performing.He also was a blackbelt in martial arts,which I thought that was really cool.He used to show me various moves, that he would use when he was bullfighting.He used to tell me stories of his bull fighting days , being just a kid I found it all fascinating.

Sometimes I would go into his room and he would stand behind me and position my arms and legs in various poses, this was to show me "martial arts".This was all good fun,but then he kept touching my bottom and make out it was a mistake.Also because I'd just started developing,he would comment on it.Being very naive I didn't really pay much attention, I was 9 years old, about to turn 10yrs.One night I was in the main house watching TV with about ten other people,the lights were switched off, so it was dark.I often sat near to or on Ernies lap and all of a sudden I felt Ernies' hand in side my shorts.I jumped in the air and told him not to do that.Everyone shot up,the lights went on and Mary asked me to repeat what I had just said, which I did.I said"he often tried to touch me in that area,"which he had.I was told to go home, funnily enough more upset that I had to miss the rest of tv.

The next morning was quite strange,Betty came and said she was taking me out for the day.I can't remember where we went,but there was a market and she bought me a couple of dresses and a few other things.We also had a chinese meal.Ifelt like royalty being treated so.It wasn't until the following day I realised Ernie was not there anymore.When I asked "What happened to him,why hadn't he even said Goodbye" I was told "he had,had to go away in a hurry and how sorry he was not to say goodbye." At the time I was upset by this, in my innocense i felt betrayed because he'd left without saying goodbye.Nothing was ever said about it again and I was about 15yrs old before I realised what had happened.I felt even more betrayed then as I realised he hadn't been my friend at all.

Christmas 66, money was very tight,but our Mother who was very resourceful and good at crafts,collected some branches and tied bassets allsorts all over the branches as a Christmas tree.It was lovely.Over christmas Mum took us to visit Dad with his new wife.I didn't realise it then, but that must have been auful for her.The actress Karen Black had been on a visit to Carnaby Street in London and had bought me a set of handcuffs as a Christmas present.She had been studying Scientology at St. Hill and was also reading a script for a film she was doing.I think she flew back to America either just before Christmas or just after.

Early 67 our baby sister was born,she was beautiful.It was a good job too,because i think with all the upheaval and work, it took it's toll on Mum.I'm pretty sure she was born at home,both my brothers had been and strangely I remember their births far more clearly.Some one on here talked about barley water,I do remember talk of it back then(barley water) but I couldn't tell you if our sister had it or not.I do know we drank lemon barley water.Some times I had to cook dinner and although I am sure I wasn't very good at it, I remember making Hungarian ghoulash.Our groceries were delivered in a couple of boxes weekly , it was always very exciting when these arrived.

I stole some money out of the phone kitty jar in the main house and got caught. Mary was very firm but fair, I had to wash up every night for some time to make amends.No one held it against me. At this time I became a major fan of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, an American delicacy.I still went to the same primary school, just around the corner from Little Baldwins. It was a long way from there to Coopers Wood.For the first week or so my Dad had arranged for me to have a taxi, but after that I had to walk.It was about an hours walk from school to Coopers Wood.

Our Mum still continued to work evenings and I had the job of looking after the boys and baby, if I needed a hand there was always help next door.One day I was walking home from school and Betty pulled up in a taxi and told me "to get in".I could tell something was wrong by her face.Our little sister had died. She was only 3 months old, Our Mum was at the hospital.It was the first time I had encountered death up close and personal and it was a horrible feeling.I was very upset.When I saw our Mum,she looked numb.It was so sad.I think it was a cot death,breathing difficulties.The funeral service was held at St.Hill in the chapel.The chapel was packed with people,although now all I can see is a sea of faces.I know our Mum was there and Dad,Mary and Betty.All that really stuck in my mind was this tiny white coffin on a plinth,on the coffin was a little gold plaque with her name on it Therese Marie Stainforth..I'd never seen Mum so upset and I knew there was no making it better.

Things were never the same from then on,Mum was quiet and obviously grieving.The eldest of my brothers did everything he could to annoy me,the youngest one was much quieter,not too mischievious yet and I missed my Dad so much.Everyone next door rallied round to help and cheer us up.I don't know whether it was my age or the circumstances,but I didn't always get on with Mum any more and decided I was running away to find my Dad.I left one evening late with a huge suitcase and stayed in the woods at the back behind the house,it was quite a distance,and the case was heavy., I went to sleep in the wood,then in the middle of the night I felt a dog licking my face and a policeman telling me to wake up.I was determined I wasn't waking up and pretended unconsciousness.Of course i was taken home.Mike(the boy who lived in the main house) had told where I was.

Everything just went from bad to worse at home and then one day my Dad came and told me he was going away and wouldn't be back for a long time.He was going on a ship to join the Seo Org.I was heartbroken and cried and cried.I asked why I couldn't go with him.He said"he would look into it,but was doubtful" The next time I saw him it was arranged,we were going to live on a ship,the Royal Scotsman.


In October 1967 my Dad and I flew to North Africa, Tunis is stamped on my passport.The flight was very exiting, I had never been on a plane before, it was scary but good.On arrival, it was a real eye opener.It was so hot and to see people dressed in robes, turbans and woman wearing burkahs was very strange.It was so colourful and reminiscent of stories i'd heard in school about the bible.It was as if I'd been transformed into another world.

We arrived at the ship, and went on board.We were ushered into an office where contracts had to be signed.My Father must have already signed his because I was the one presented with a contract.(My Dad had already been a part of setting up the Sea Org/ Project earlier in the year in Alicante, Spain. He brought me back a little trinket box, which I still have to this day,) It said I had to sign for a billion years'.My Father was quite concerned and queried this as I was only 10yrs old.We were told "sign,or get off the ship".We discussed this, I told my Dad "nothing mattered as long as I could be with him".So I signed.I never really thought about it at the time, I just wanted to be with my Dad and I couldn't of imagined a billion years if I had tried.I was lucky enough to be allocated a cabin which I shared with another girl Janis, whom I had already met previously at St.Hill. We got on really well and she was my best friend while I was there.(I say lucky,because it was some time before I saw the dormitories where most of the crew slept, they were crampt and horrible compared to the cabins.)Our cabin was situated on the same deck as LRHs quarters, but at the opposite end and on the other side of the ship.

At first not much was expected of me and I would wonder about the ship,sometimes doing small jobs for people or watching the local traders on the dock selling their wares.This provided endless fun as they would sqabble amongst one another to get anyone to buy something from them.If any crew went down the gang plank they were mobbed by these sellers, it was very difficult to get away without buying something. If noone left the ship they (traders)would call up trying to coax someone down.Most of the kids bought these tiny little cameras, with tiny rolls of film and went around on and off the ship taking pictures of everyone. As far as I know none of these films were ever developed.

I had watched Janis ,Suzette and another girl Claire running round as messengers and I wanted to do this too.One day while LRH was walking round the decks he came over to me and said "I hear you want to be a messenger,your a little young but how about we give it a go".I was thrilled at the time and said "Thankyou".He burst into laughter and repeated "Thankyou" 3 times in all,laughing all the time.I didn't know what was so funny,but it certainly amused him.

I liked being a messenger,it gave me a sence of purpose.Everyone on the ship was so friendly at the begining.'Clearing the planet' was a term I often heard and it seemed like a good thing.Helping people,helping the world, and I'm sure I can speak for everyone on that ship at that point in time,that is what they thought they were doing-Helping mankind.

The children were expected to attend school about three times a week for 2-3 hours.I don't remember how many children in total there were but a fair few of us.School consisted of a scientology work sheet and a dictionary.I only remember going about 3 times,once I was a messenger school was over.Most messenger work while I was there consisted of running errands,taking all mail in my in-tray up to LRH,following him around when he strolled the decks.I had to carry an ashtray for his cigarette ash.Sometimes a shift could be really boring sitting in semi dark outside his office waiting for an errand.Often in the evenings was difficult to keep my eyes open. I got on quite well with LRH, he was quite patient with me,and often told me" to be at ease" as I always stood to attention,even when it wasn't necessary.This was very early on.

Whilst still in Tunisia, a group of us children were taken out for a meal by Des and Joyce Popham. They were really nice people, we had a really fun time that day.On the way to the resteraunt, I was fascinated by the women walking around, covered head to toe, with just their eyes peeping out.If that seemed alien to me at the time, which it did, what was going to happen later on the ship was far more surreal.

One of my favourite people on the ship was Amos Jessup, he always took the time to stop and chat, told us stories, made us laugh and on occasion played the harmonica.He had a younger brother Nate Jessup who was dating Diana Hubbard at the time, they spent a lot of time together. Quite often Diana would say, if LRH asks, "you haven't seen me".

Apart from one time, shortly after I joined the ship, I stroked Vixie Marysue's dog.On that day she (MSH) smiled and was quite chatty.I don't ever remember her being like that again.Most evenings when I had to sit outside LRHs office waiting for orders, Marysue would often come out of her office which was right next door, on occasion she would ask a question, but always with the same deadpan face.I often felt like I didn't exist in her eyes.

The Royal Scotsman had a film crew come on board to interview LRH, I didn't know it at the time but this documentary was done by Granada Telivision and is called "The Shrinking World of L. Ron Hubbard". I wasn't even aware that I was filmed in this. A friend back in England, after I had left the Sea Org told me she had seen me on telivision. It was many, many years later that I actually saw this documentary myself and was shocked to see myself as a little girl on the Royal Scotsman/ Apollo. There was no denying it any more to myself, I really had been a child once.

I didn't get to see my Dad as often as i would have liked, we went on 'Libs'( a day off) once a week at first, that was great fun.One day I spent all day trying to find my Dad, I never actually knew where he worked on the ship.I couldn't find him and noone I asked seemed to know where he was either. Eventually late in the evening he found me and said" if it happened again, I was to leave a message for him with the Quartermaster and he would find me."Everything was so new to me and there was always so much going on, new people arrived daily and it was a time of great exitement, but some things were about to change and they were not good.

After I had been a messenger for a short while LRH asked me, "How did I like being a messenger"(or words to that effect).I said "I did like my job(hat as the term would of been), but I missed my family".He replyed with "your family will be fine,you need to concentrate on the group"he looked irritated with me.At the time it caused me great conflict, I kept thinking" How can family not be important" after all this was a 'father' talking wasn't it?

I don't actually remember all the places we visited, or in what order. These are documented elsewhere. My lack of memory on this is probably due to more worrying things that happened whilst aboard the Royal Scotsman/ Apollo.

My first encounter with 'lower conditions'. Ron Pooks was put in 'enemy/treason', can't remember which and was up on one of the smaller decks, sanding down railings.We were not supposed to talk to him, this did not deter my friend. We sneaked some food up to him, which was a present from the cook.Ron seemed cheerful enough at the time , and I did not understand

My second encounter with 'lower conditions'.Yelling and shouting coming from one of the cabins. Hammering on the cabin door with his fists, this went on for days. I never saw who the person was, but was told they were completely mad and were locked in there for their own good.I did not understand.

Meanwhile everyone on board went about their daily business as if everything was perfectly normal.


Whilst at sea, diversions from "clearing the planet" from war, crime and insanity were watching dolphins, both in the distance and closer in the wake of the ships waves.Although a brief diversion from the realities of being a SO member, it was a sight to behold.Another striking vision was watching a submarine coming up out of the water, the water causing a myriad of wavelets bubbling up out of the ocean.It surfaced sufficiently for the top to open up and a man got out.It was a very strange scene.The ship was stationary at the time ,Then back to reality, there was talk of them( the submarine) spying on us.When the submarine finally submerged, it was hanging around underneath us and LRH thought it was tracking us.I couldn't make head nor tale out of it, but I know it was a concern for LRH.We moved on.

Much of the time I hadn't got a clue what was going on.LRH spent a lot of his time in his office, well into the night on occasions. I could often hear him talking, knowing nobody was in there with him, I thought it very odd.It was a while before I realised he was recording, which is one of the reasons he did not want to be disturbed.I could very rarely hear exactly what he was saying, it was just a mumble from where I sat. Marysue would sometimes come out of her office, look at LRHs door, stand there for a few minutes and then go back into her office, shutting the door.

It was a refreshing change when LRH went walk about on the decks, on some of these occasions he would be in a jubliant mood, one particular time , he stopped to chat to a bunch of students. This was when I noticed how in awe of LRH these people were, it was like he was the best and most famous person on earth.He was telling stories, making these students laugh, it was all happy, happy, happy and wasn't life wonderful, I lost interest and gazed out to sea.

There were a number of officers standing by a hatch, all in their military style uniforms, LRH was angry. He was ranting and raving about psychiatry, how we had to infiltrate governments, world banking, he went on and on and on, he smashed his fist on the top of the hatch, the Officers went off to follow his orders. I had no idea what they were going to do, but I knew it sounded bad and wrong, but they would do whatever it was because LRH had ordered it.

It was soon to be LRHs birthday. I was besides myself when my friend asked what I had got for him. I hadn't got anything for him as i didn't have any money. My friend said "everyone has to get something for LRH on his birthday". I felt terrible, so my friend said "not to worry", she would put my name on her gift to him also.What a relief.

I saw very little of my Dad, sometimes it was days that I didn't see him. I really liked Peaches and Ron Pooks( I don't think they were married at that time) and also Amos, I sought them out whenever I could, they were fun to be around.I wrote home to my Mother and brothers a few times, but never ever got a reply back. I hated it when mail was handed out, I never got any. I never understood why.

When Peaches and Ron Pooks went off on the Athena(Avon River) on a mission, I was miserable. Not Sure if Amos went on the same mission but he also went off at the same time and I felt so lonely as these people had become my adult friends. I hadn't realised how much I had relyed on them being there until they were gone.I still had my young friends but somehow it wasn't the same.

One night we were all up really late, I was on messenger duty. Not sure what was going on, but some divers were sent down into the depths of the ocean. There was a huge winch, which made a hell of a racket. I'm not sure whether we were dumping stuff over the side of the ship, or bringing it up out of the sea. There was this large, black metal container on the deck. I don't know what it was.LRH left MSH in charge, I was there so If need be I could go and get Ron If whatever it was they were doing was successful and Ron wanted to be there.It was late, dark, and cold. I was tired and didn't want to be there, but could not go till I was dismissed.

Much of Messenger duty at night was waiting around to go fetch someone,deliver papers to someone else, that kind of thing. I spent most nights either standing outside a door, or sitting outside of a door. It could be very boring.If we were at sea, it was a little more interesting, especially if LRH was on the bridge. By interesting, I mean there were more messages to be delivered etc. Less time to stand around being bored.

One daytime shift I had to go and get someone up out of their bunk, it was the first time I had been down into the mens dormitory. The smell was what hit me first, stale sweat and smelly socks, The bunks were squashed together like sardines in a tin, just a tiny gap in between beds.This was when I realised how lucky I was to share a small cabin with just one other girl. The man I went to get didn't want to get up, I told him LRH said "now!" A couple of times when I went to get people up out of the dormitory, they would be following along behind me pulling clothes on as they went. Not only did they have to appear when LRH said so, but also they had to look reasonably presentable or else.

This is from a little earlier on on board the Apollo.

My first day in the school room, I was late as no one had told me I had to be there.Every one else had already started what they were doing. It was unlike any other school room I had been in as all the students were totally different in ages.The children ranged from about 6 years old to mid teens.When I went in Quentin was sitting at the front and turned round and stared at me, I stared straight back. I didn't know it then but this was to be a regular thing between me and Quentin. I was given a list of words/questions, I don't remember exactly, and a dictionary and a lump of plastercine.I had to do a demonstration with the plastercine of what the word meant. I remember sitting there thinking what kind of schooling is this. It was not even remotely like what I had done in primary school back home in East.Grinstead.

I sat there a long while thinking how do you make a demonstration of "it", and "and". It was totally beyond my comprehension.It was such a relief when class was dismissed. I dreaded going back. On the other couple of times I attended I was no better off. I did not understand what on earth I was supposed to be doing.In many ways when I became a Messenger and didn't attend the school room anymore, it was a huge relief as I hadn't got a clue what I was supposed to be doing.

Quentin and I often stared at each other from a distance, as time went on we occasionally had a conversation. One particular time he told a joke and was laughing, we all were. It was so nice to see him laugh, he didn't very often.Most times he could be seen going around the decks like a glider, arms outstretched and making plane noises.On one occasion I was walking along the deck, Quentin was coming from the opposite direction, being a plane.He immediately straightened up, walking normally, both of us were eye ball to eye ball until we passed one another. He resumed being a plane, I knew he would, I couldn't resist looking back after him and sure enough he was back in his own little world. Quentin and I had an unusual relationship, it was silent much of the time, but I think we both knew, we were not meant to be here, we didn't fit in.


Not sure if this was Ethics or not. Where ever we were the sun seemed relentlessly hot, it always astonished me that these men hung off of these tiny little makeshift seats, suspended in mid air, chipping away or painting the hull.Their bronzed, skinny bodies just sitting there, high up above the decks, their faces either totally devoid of expression as if they had given in to their fate, or as one man appeared, angry, yet knowing he could do nothing about the situation he was in.

As a precurser to the Liability cruise, I was walking along the deck, people were milling around and were looking at something.As I approached the crowd of about 15 people I stopped dead. There was a large blackboard on the deck,. I cannot remember the exact words, but basically "tougher Ethics had to be put in", there was a list of the "conditions", The ones that stood out and stared at me were Liability, Doubt, Treason, Enemy and Non Existance. These all seemed like such bad words. Made you fearful, even though you weren't exactly sure what it was you were fearful about. I didn't know what it meant, but I could tell by the adult faces it was something else to worry about.

I don't really remember too much about it, except that it was a mad, all hands on deck, spring clean.Brasses were polished, decks were scrubbed,paintwork scrubbed down or repainted. Everything had to be gleaming.All the work done, was done pretty much in silence. It was a very strange place to be.Everyone just pretty much got on with it and once again we were in LRHs good books.

When we arrived in Corfu,everything seemed quite normal, on the surface. There were odd evenings down near the dockside where there was an old taverna, where members of the Sea Org congrgated drinking eating and telling stories.Some of these evenings were a lot of fun.One evening we all( a fare few of the crew) went to a resteraunt and had a meal.There was Greek music and dancing and lots of plates were smashed, much to the delight of everyone. The plate smashing was followed by loud shouts and cheers. A good time was had by all.

Heavy Ethics was not forgotten, the "Overboardings" began.I'm not sure what triggered this,but it was a solemn and macabre affair.The crew were woken every morning by the Ethics Officer banging on the doors telling everyone to muster on the deck (poop deck springs to mind, but I don't remember which deck it was).When at muster, names were called out to check everyone was present, followed by a list of names that were to be overboarded. Some times there would be just one person thrown over the side of the ship, but on other occasions several people were thrown over. Their crimes would be read out, more often than not I did not understand what their crime was.There was always a chaplain present, which made it appear to be a sanctifying experience.The person overboarded would be committing their sins to the deep, at least thats what the chaplain said.Two men, one of which was the Ethics Officer would then pick the person up and throw them over the side of the ship. It was a long way down.Thrown from so high up,the person thrown over the side would make a mighty splash into the ocean below and must have gone down into the water a fair way.

Every morning waiting to hear if your name was on the list was very frightening.For me at least, I tried so hard to do everything properly, not to forget anything , not to have any reason to find myself on that list and be overboarded.Apart from the humiliation and degradation, I could not swim and was terrified of drowning. There were times when LRH would come to watch the show. He would station himself up on a higher balcony type deck and watch this cruel ceremony with much amusement.I will never forget him watching, smiling and laughing as if this was entertainment, his own personal show.Sometimes he would take pictures or film the event also, whilst on the deck everyones face was solemn and grim.It didn't matter how young or old you were either, if your name was called out, overboard you would go.

The day after John McMasters went overboard, with his arm wrapped in a grubby sling he came and stood by a railing on the deck.There were a group of crew members sitting and talking, I was amongst them.John was really upset, he kept saying "when are you all going to realise?" and "one day you'll see". He was quite obviously in a lot of pain from his broken arm, and very angry with LRH.Nobody said a word to him, no comfort, no sympathy, nothing.

He was right, I had already seen,but I was an 11 year old girl on a Scientology ship, there was nothing I could do.
 
 

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